This little blog of mine is a great therapy for me. It has been a great release of feelings and emotions for me. It also leaves me pretty wide open for criticism and opinions! I feel compelled for whatever reasons to share my journey publicly and I guess I hope in some small way that it helps someone else along the way as well as be a record for my girls in understanding me and why I am ... me.
I went to see my family Dr yesterday. I love my Dr. He has been my Dr since I was 11 years old. He is a great man. I graduated from high school with his oldest son. He loves to tell me about his grand babies. He is also a Christian man and while this does not always mean anything!! he happens to share with me the same faith which leads to more understanding of.... me!
Ever since J was diagnosed I have been having regular visits with my Dr sharing how I am coping and dealing with everything. He listens to me, cares about what is happening to me and my family. He is not a pill-pusher! he is not quick to medicate. Yesterday while I was pouring my heart out and sharing my true inner feelings he confirmed to me what I had come to the conclusion of...that I am dealing with depression.....this still baffles me...still doesn't come off the tongue very well and it is something I have to admit I don't really understand, something that I have judged most of my life but now I know mostly due to ignorance. The thoughts I am battling, the restless nights and lack of energy/motivation... all symptoms of my brain not triggering the serotonin after being stressed out ... over stressed out ... for much much to long. My Dr explained all this to me and said it's time to go on some meds to help before the stress really is TOO much. The meds are non-addictive and will help me sleep which of course is not helping any and spiraling on the vicious cycle I seem to be on. My body is breaking down in a matter of speaking...covered in hives and eczema....anxiety attacks and major heart palpitations. Last night was my first night with the drugs. I have to say that I think I even got a little more sleep which totally has to be the power of suggestion cuz these are supposed to take 5 days or so before I feel any effects. I am to see my Dr again in 2 weeks to see how I am doing and see if there are any side effects and we will go from there.
So one day at a time. I am actually surprised at myself for how I am feeling about all this which to me is another sign that I really really needed extra help right now. Showing my cards is a little scary and putting myself out there like that, but then again that's just ..... me!