ok I should totally be in bed I have had a killer headache all day and yet here I am
the hot topic post I was stewing about....still stewing!!
but since I have made it a "resolution" to blog more I thought I would jot down a few more of my I.know.you.are.dying.to.know.what.I.think.thoughts!!!
actually the things going on in my brain right now are pretty big, well at least for me they are.
There are things that I am seeing...not that I never saw them before... but seeing as in ok now that I SEE them... I need to DO something about it!
The fact is.... I think I have been/still am .... depressed. For me, this is huge. Something that I have struggled with understanding for a long time...actually forever. Someone would tell me they are depressed and oh so joyful me would think, oh man just get over it already...yup that's super sensitive me! I make light of it but in actual fact it terrifies me. I have known my husband struggles with depression but thats an obvious fact of having a chronic disease for the last 3 years! I totally get that! but me? what do I have to be depressed about? well.... my husband having a chronic disease for the past 3 years is a good place to start. Even with the fact that he is doing really well right now...like a complete turn around from a month ago when I thought that things couldn't get much worse. I have to wonder if when things look good or optimistic we really allow ourselves to FEEL what we have been trying to just simply survive? that is a thought I have tumbling through my head. I think my saving grace is that I am open. Well I think I should say eventually I am open... I don't tend to keep things to myself for very long. I maul them over for awhile, chew on them and stew on them and then finally the damn bursts and out pours all my ramblings and thoughts to whoever happens to look interested in what I might have to say!
Why else would I think I am depressed? well besides taking about 5 different "free on-line are you depressed tests"!! (one said I was serious and should immediately seek professional help ... gulp! hehe) and realizing that the anxiety attacks are what are keeping me up at night, my lack of motivation to do really much of anything in my own home! a huge stack of things that need my pretty urgent attention that I am aware I am avoiding, my lack of energy, my inward withdrawing, did I mention the anxiety? cuz I swear I didn't know ones heart could beat so fast!
All these things have led me to make a Dr's appt to seek some medical help. Not sure I need meds or anything like that but I do see something is wrong, I am not happy with merely surviving anymore and neither is my family. I see that I have to make a move before the depression swallows me entirely. I see that the effects of all this is straining my marriage and my relationship with my girls. I don't want to have anxiety attacks anymore! (that being said the financial pressure we are under right now is hard to ignore, we are under the gun in so many ways and it is hard to see past the weight of it all, it's crushing).
Seeing all this, actually makes me feel better. Makes me want to DO things for me and for my family. Talking about it publicly is my way of making sure that happens. I am a HUGE believer in not keeping secrets....I believe when you keep a secret you have just given whatever that secret is... power over you... I do NOT want depression to have power over me. I do NOT want my present circumstances and the unfair things that have happened to me and my family to have power over me. I want to see and be and feel and DO.