A little Holiday cheer......
ok well maybe not!
I started writing a silly little poem and well it just wasn't happening so here I am blathering on like I usually do! I am sure I will look back on this one day and be like.. "what a freakin idiot!".....anyways this is my place to share my feelings and thoughts be such as they are.
so here are a few random thoughts
Christmas - came and went so fast I feel like I missed it! the girls had a great time and were spoiled by all and that is always so fun.
for me, I am struggling. I don't really know how to articulate my thoughts on it. J was sick pretty much all last week. He had treatments and they made him really sick as per usual. He was sick all Christmas Day but put on a brave face for his family. On Christmas Eve we had dinner with the kids and he could barely pick up his glass, Foo came to me later, crying, about it. This then made J upset and well it made me feel sick to my stomach with how this disease is still eating away at my family. I am tired of it. It's so hard watching what it is doing to J and to the girls and I feel exhausted and maybe a little, ok a lot sorry for myself and this lot in life. I usually carry on such a "strong' bravado.....but I don't feel like it right now. Right now I am just wishing and praying for a miracle. It's hard for me to think of the future and what just that might hold. I know none of us can predict it and I think that is a good thing. I just long to see an end in sight. I don't feel really strong. I don't feel like a good support system for J right now. I just feel.....blick.
So why throw that all out there? not even sure if I want sympathy or someone to tell me to grow the hell up! maybe I just need to vent? Maybe I need to hear that I am not alone in living with a spouse with a chronic illness and all that that entails! Maybe it's all of the above?!