Why is it that when we come to some resolution, some determined purpose sense of direction in our day to day living that it seems everything that could and would does go wrong? Perplexing! The old religious me would say well that is because we have an enemy who wants us to fail....and while I do believe that not to be a lie I think we tend to focus or blame stuff on that instead of realizing that well 1) life happens and some of it is #$*#@(# 2) we have choice! and consequences to those choices 3) mind sets and life long patterns are hard to break!
I think I have lived out all 3 scenarios this week!
Right after coming to this place in my journey where I felt a quiet resolve in me, it felt like I was getting hit from all sides. Right down to being physically sick... like bone aching hurts to swallow all I want to do is whimper be served and sleep! I think part of that is my previous months schedule where I was at work way more than I was home, add a women's retreat of little sleep in an unknown room and follow that quickly by being a helper at 2 of my daughters Girl Guides/Brownie camp with no sleep, no comfy chairs to rest my weary bones in, cooking for a group of 14 very active girls and then add to that some 10+ hour days at work....and I can't be a little bit NOT surprised that I am sick! but thats not really what I wanted to talk about....just need to whine a little more :)
I felt overwhelmed on Friday, watching J struggle physically, having a few frustrations with work, financially feel completely caved in on and I felt sorry for myself. Really there is no other way to put it. Just deflated I can't take it anymore and why is my husband not getting any better? like ok I know he has good days and bad but no general sense of we are actually heading out of this CIDP thing! Then on top of feeling all these wonderful elating emotions I started to beat myself up for not "staying in the eye" ( you have to read my last post to understand ).
I wonder why we have this sadistic need to beat ourselves up when we are struggling? what is it that makes me demand so much from myself at times? Then I generally get frustrated with everything as I go on the merry go round of lets analyse and reanalyse my behaviour feelings ride and well it's not so fun!
Then when I am not expecting it I get a phone call from a friend and just her voice on my answering machine cheers me within! Then I go to my cousins coaching practice thingy for her course where my oldest and I rolled played for her a scenario and she had to mediate for us...which was really cool but I felt so bad cuz my brain was so fuzzy and stuffed!! then we went to see "New Moon" and then had lunch with my cousin and her daughter and my oldest daughter which is so fun! and my cousin treated us! and then I get a phone call and told that this coming Friday a new wall oven and washer/dryer are being delivered...all 3 things are broken in my house and it has been extremely difficult trying to run a house of 6 without an oven and half working dryer and a washing machine that will only wash in hot water... I need some new sweaters!! and we found a match made in heaven for our little puppy who we really didn't have time or energy for and was costing $$ we just didn't have... so while so many things were going wrong... so many were also going right! and to finish the weekend my Aunt and Uncle stopped by and had dinner with us ( I was not up for going out!) and it was lovely and so enjoyable.
I think it all just confirmed to me how much looking at the positives and picturing myself in the eye of the storm instead of being lost in the chaos is where I have to stay. I am becoming such a believer in the power of the imagination! So many times this week I literally had to take a deep breath and close my eyes and picture what I saw in my dream and step into that place to feel the calm and peace I so desperately want/need to feel!