I learned last night the hard way, which is pretty much the only way I ever learn anything, that I just don't have enough fingers to plug all the holes in the dam.
too long now I have been going overtime
too long now I have been burying myself in lots of things to keep me busy so I don't have to "deal" with anything
too long now I have been ignoring my physical body saying STOP SLOW DOWN
so last night I crashed
I am not one to give into media's fear mongering, the H1N1 has not scared me until last night when my 10 year old was presenting with symptoms. One symptom she was having that is NOT H1N1 was numbness in her hands and feet, and although she said it was coming and going, it was enough to send me over the edge in the fear department. I am not one to take my kids to the Dr for every cold/flu/tummy ache but last night I was scared. We had my in laws anniversary dinner to go to and were looking forward to but this was to serious for me. I didn't really even know how much fear at that point was driving me.....we called the nurse hot line and was told definitely take her in..... we sat there waiting for over 2 hours totally struggling physically myself, all to hear the Dr tell us well it could be H1N1 but she didn't have a fever and she did have tonsillitis and so he is treating her for the flu and her tonsils. He said her numbness was more of a sign that she was hyperventilating a little bit. So she is now on antibiotics... 2 kinds! (don't get me wrong I do believe in taking kids to the Dr and taking her in last night was totally the right thing to do with or without the extra fear!!)
Numbness to me = life turning upside down
Numbness to me = fear of the girls getting what J has coming true
Numbness to me = fear period
All in all it was a hell of a night. I was relieved though to hear the Dr say due to J's neurological disorder he and the girls should NOT get the H1N1 shot!! not that I ever would but it was good to be validated.
last night all the little holes in the dam of my life right now were leaking at the same time and I am just human after all and it broke. I felt like the big rock dude on the never ending story sitting there in the end chaos all around him and staring blankly at his hands, muttering disappointments and failures to himself. "they were such big hands"
I kind of broke
I kind of fell apart
I kind of had the girls see me lose it
I kind of lost all sense of reason and control
I kind of lost it
I feel badly
I feel broken
so now to rebuild and not do it on my own strength. face the issues that have been pressing down on me. take my burdens where they belong. apologize. refocus. and start again