I started another post but have decided not to post it. There are times when blogging that one gets "anonymous" brutal uncalled for comments, I get that I have put myself out there and can expect criticism now and then. It's a little tough when you know it's a family member that judges you and doesn't get you, but after pounding out an angry post, this is all I am going to say about it. Moving on.
In our small groups at church we are following a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. Actually our whole church is following it and our Pastor is preaching on it. It is great in the fact that we are all ON the same page right now. Trying to bring some healing in to a church that I think it is fair to say has been broken. I know big surprise there right?! anywhere that you have people you will find brokenness.
Part of the last chapter we did talks about "going through the wall", this basically means any situation that happens in your life that makes you stop and question God, question why this is happening to you and shakes your faith. (this is my definition) Be it sickness/disease, a death of a loved one, not being able to get pregnant, a death of a dream......and such. Well I think it is not a stretch to say that whether you are a Christian or whatever your belief system is, as humans walking this planet we have all come to a wall of some sort in our lives.
I hate talking about the wall right now. My wall sucks. I know all our walls suck! and no one likes to be in a hard place! for me right now, talking about my wall, I think a part that is hard is the look on peoples faces when they hear about my wall. I think J and my wall are pretty much the same right now! When I share a little bit about the reality of J's disease, CIDP, and then they hear about my miscarriages and the rape and more, it does sound like a lot! It IS a lot. I get a lot of wow I can't believe how strong you are? I can't believe you look happy? My usual answer is well what else are you going to do?
It's true, we can't control everything that happens to us. Life can be brutal. The why this all happens is a mystery to me. I don't believe that God is up there with puppet strings attached to us saying yup this one is going to get cancer cuz they can handle it and they sure need to learn a lesson! I just don't think/believe God works that way. I wouldn't want to believe in a God that did. I am not sure I believe that our enemy, if you believe in God the Creator then you believe that there is an enemy called Satan, has that much control over us either. Sometimes maybe, I don't really know. I know that we are responsible for a lot that happens to us and we have to have someone to blame so usually it is either God or the devil! If you eat unhealthy and have no common sense chances are you are going to get sick! but what about J? this chronic disease that hits people at random for no specific reason. Why does this happen? If God is in control then you would have to believe that He allowed it to happen, He didn't stop it from happening. Why? I know that when I was having all the miscarriages I struggled with that question, mostly so that I could fix it. Surely if I could just figure out why it was happening I could prevent it from happening again. It wasn't until I let go of the why that not only did I find some peace but I got pregnant with Emily.
So why does the why question effect us so much? I don't know. Haven't figured that out yet. Maybe I am not supposed to.
Here I am and 8 years after my first baby after 5 losses and able to get a grip back on my faith, we get hit with the CIDP. It really does seem unfair. I thought that the miscarriages were my "lot" in life, the cross that I had to bare. Sometimes our faith really messes us up! Painting God in a box! doesn't work!
I am learning to live with it, learning that I don't have a why again. Learning to take it one day at a time again. It is different this time. Last time my "wall" was physically happening to me, this time it is physically happening to J. I am not sure I can explain what it is like to watch your husband suffer?! I know there are others out there like me. Not knowing always how to act, don't want to baby him too much cuz that just bothers him, learning the balance between asking him if he needs assistance to ignoring there is anything wrong at all. Watching him struggle to walk and seeing the look on his face, when he admits to you in whisper in a public setting that he is really down b/c he loves walking around in farmers markets and he is struggling so much to get around. When he puts his head down on your shoulder and fights back the tears, the anguish that grips him so tightly. When you are not sure whether you let it all go and cry there and then with him, whisper sweet loving words in his ear, and at the same time wonder if the girls are watching, wanting to protect them, wanting to protect him and steeling your heart to just deal with it in the best way for all possible.
This is my wall.
I know I am a pretty much an open book, hence the public blog, my big mouth! and letting family and friends read my inner thoughts. I did start a secret blog where I could say whatever I want and know I wouldn't have to hear people's judgements of me. I didn't keep it up. That is not me. I don't believe in secrets. Having said all that when I do tell my story sometimes I have a hard time with the sympathy that people demonstrate. I am not sure why. It could be that I don't like to feel like I have made someone sad, I know I don't like people feeling sorry for me. Yet I know that my openness has helped others and honestly it wasn't even my intention. It was just me being my open self and then later getting a phone call from a preschool teacher thanking me for being so open about my miscarriages cuz she just had one and knowing I got through ok helped her to get through. Then a bank teller telling me the same thing. My Dr telling his other patients about the lady that just kept going, miscarriage after miscarriage cuz her heart told her to.
That for me is a strength that comes when you are at the wall. I don't know why I am at this wall, don't see why, struggle with the emotions that come with it, struggle with my faith, but if me by being open about it helps one person then that makes being at the wall a little bit better.