I went up North this weekend, stayed at my neighbors house. It was so great to see my friends, the 3 musketeers! have a blast with a group of my friends! have alone time! have some R&R....although I didn't get much sleep!! it was a real nice weekend. I don't get many "just me" weekends.
It was a weekend full of mixed emotions for me, first so glad to see my friends! and then the unknown emotions of seeing my house. Not knowing what to expect to see after my nightmare tenants, even though I know it had been cleaned, I just needed to see it for myself. Then I was a little afraid of seeing it, of what that would bring to the surface. Sometimes things I have thought I have dealt with have a way of coming back up and I just didn't know if I was prepared or able to deal with them.
I cleaned up the garden beds and the garbage that some animal had gotten into...the tenants left a LOT of garbage,...rotten diapers/food garbage! and they even took some curtains! the nerve. I found myself feeling ripped off.
I sat on the swings that my dad built the kids 2 summers ago, feeling melancholy and again just not sure what to feel about everything. I enjoyed the peace and quiet! Living on 4-5 acre parcels tends to make things real quiet! I could see the girls running and playing, it was like I could see their ghosts running around, playing with their friends, laughing and giggling. I could see the dogs playing, even the chickens clucking. It was a surreal experience. (then I remembered the bugs are not out yet and in another few weeks I would have been eaten alive in 5 minutes flat!!)
I knew I was looking for closure.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back on Sunday, after being there for a couple of hours on Saturday.
I just wanted to put it behind me.
But like a good friend, S, gently had me decide to go again.
I know that we have to go up again,..... we have a few things still there!!...but for me this was a goodbye. A goodbye in the fact that I know I have really come to a decision about "where" we are. About where we need to be. So this goodbye felt really from the heart, a sad realization that our time there really is at an end. Even with the house at present not sold I just felt it.
It really is time to move on.
I am just working out a poem, it is sometimes how I am able to express my emotions, kind of wraps things up for me.
My heart is full of so many things
full of memories
pulls on the heart strings
My life has taken on a new course
reliving those memories
happiness mixed with remorse
I can not see all that is to be
learning and trusting
the stretching that came for me
Looking back is not what I want to do
remembering and cherishing
this will be the glue
What I take with me will never die
friendships and memories
forever with me, forever in I