I've decided to write some posts as if I was writing letters to my girls, which they would read later in life, and in fact I will never delete this blog as I hope that this Insight to lala's world will give them some insight into their mother.....and possibly for verification/clarification to their therapists on why they are messed up :)
I think of your futures so very often. I wonder what you are going to be when you finish growing up. I worry about choices you will make that will affect you forever. I hope for you all so much. Specifically I hope for you to find good husbands that you will love and cherish and be loved and cherished in return. I hope for you to find the love that you can't explain but can't live without. I hope that we have taught you enough of a foundation to give you the strength to handle whatever life throws at you. In this world there will be troubles, unfortunately too often we see the troubles. Right now a cousin who's husband, young husband has cancer and she herself has a growth in her head to deal with! I have a childhood friend who's husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at the age of 36. 2 friends babies who were born sick, another friends who's 1 year old was born sick and recently went to be with Jesus. These are all really hard......really really hard...situations. I pray that you never have to experience these troubles yourselves.
Living with your dads CIDP has been hard for us I know. We are only just a little over 2 years into this and I know you have had to make sacrifices already. You all loved it in PG, you fit right in to that small community so well. We saw you blossom and grow there and thrive. It was so hard for your dad and I to make the decision to move back down to the Coast. Even knowing in our heads it was the right choice we knew that it would come at a cost for you girls. We see you missing your friends and it hurts us so much, especially your dad. For him this is torture, knowing that you would rather be up there then down here, knowing that you loved living a life in the country. Who knows maybe some day we will have that again? For now we are learning to live with this disease. I am learning how to handle it. There are many days I don't know what handling it looks like! days like today, where I felt so much and wasn't sure how to show it. You see this is so hard on your dad, who you know is so big and strong and takes pride in being a man's man. He is struggling with depression as he feels so much physical strength being swept away. We know that it comes back, that it is only for a period of time, these swings in his nerve activity are like ups and downs, like riding a wave. So in the down times, it is really down.
I try to be up for your dad and for you, and sometimes that feels manic, it feels like I am trying too hard, and sometimes I get mad and say stupid things. I am human, not perfect, just trying to deal with a situation that have no hand books! When I was feeling all this today I turned to your dad and said with all my heart " I love you and I am not sure how I am supposed to be acting right now, I am not sure of the right way to be or the right things to say and I am just so glad that I know that I love you and I hope that you know that and that that is enough for you." and girls, it is! daddy gets that! cuz he loves me too.
So that is what I wish for you, that you all, one day, find the love of your life. I hope/pray that when you don't know how to act or know what to say or how to deal with what you are faced with that you both will know that your love is enough to see you through.