I am taking a personal day today, I actually went into work this morning, got extremely overwhelmed almost instantly, got really frustrated when I asked for help and got nowhere, and then my brain actually felt like it was going to explode.
TOO much pressure.
I just want to clarify something , in my last post I said I was all alone up North last time and I did have some incredible friends, who know who they are, who loved on me and my family and were so there for me! I love you guys!
I couldn't shut off the tear valves today. So I left work where I was just feeling frustrated and embarrased, there is something about always being strong and then when you are not... that is really HARD!.... so I came home, cried the whole way and called my sisters.
My oldest sister who lives here is going to make arrangements to come and help me with my house, it is overwhelming to me....the clutter, the paper, the fact that I HATE living here is getting to me. She is SUPER organized and lives a simple clutter free home life, I need that right now and don't know how to get it. She is really usually quite emotional and I thought calling her at work would make her cry and upset her but you know....she started taking charge and telling me what "we" my family, are going to do to get us out of this house and start de-cluttering my life and just help us in general. She made some things that I can't seem to get out of my mind really doable and said you are here this time, we will help take care of you. I started to feel calmer.
Then I talked to my other sister who lives in Ontario and she helped too. Listened to me cry, then started talking positive and getting my mind of all my fears. She was there for me and even though she is 5,000 miles away I felt her love and support.
Also today when I was at work I went into the restaurant and cried to my niece then went into the bathroom to try to calm down and said to God, I wish my pastor was here I could really talk to him...then I walked out and there he was sitting there.... so I know God is carrying me through this.
When I wondered why the massive amount of tears and why I can't shut them off I realized that the bottom line for me today is fear.
I am afraid of what the future looks like.
I am afraid of the worse happening to J.
I am afraid of what that means for me and the girls.
I am afraid.
so.....how to turn it around? I think it is important for me to go through all the emotions, deal with them and process them and then re-centre and re-focus and take it one day at a time. Do what God keeps telling me and NOT look at the whole picture but take it step by step and day by day, I feel like a broken record but maybe by saying it over and over it will actually GET in there :)
well I am going to go take a nap before the girls get home
thanks for all the support and prayers