a burst in the dam

had a little cry at work today... ok well maybe it was more like a mini breakdown. the new portfolio that I was given is a mess and that is putting it mildly, the last lady was fired over it, I feel completely blind in dealing with it b/c I am not sure what it is supposed to look like as it is new to the office in general and now has 3 months of BAD BAD mistakes all through it and I don't know which end is up. I spent SO much energy and time on it this week, stressed over it thru the holidays, and had to have all my work deleted today by the training girl (from firm we bought the new portfolio from) and was told just don't touch it any more. I said " I'm done " walked back to my other desk, I now have 2 desks at work, tried to get through the rest of my other portfolio's payables and not cry b/c I had a client coming in for a meeting. I didn't make it. I cried. I was so thankful that J was there. It didn't help that I have a major muscle problem in my right shoulder blade and it was pinching so bad my whole back was getting tingles. I felt like such a failure. I know the portfolio is not messed up b/c of me, I know that it is an undertaking for anyone. I know all these things and yet I felt like a failure, I came up short, miss I can do it all couldn't do it all. That sucks and is really hard for me.

I made mistakes on payroll for the restaurant too. I am tired. On the verge of burn out. Cracks in the walls of my dam and I think it is about to burst.

oh and after H had a "perfect" week at school, her teacher noticing the difference, wrote in Hailey's planner
"H has had an amazing start since returning from Christmas break. I am enjoying this H ever more than the old one. I'm very proud of her efforts, keep it up H."
not sure what anyone else reads in this, first I am glad of the praise she really did have a great week, the part that made me cringe....literally.... is the I am enjoying her now more than the old one. does she not realize that she has had 1 good week in the ENTIRE school year so far? does she realize that well behaved and not well behaved H is the same H? what does that say to H when she is not good? maybe I am reading to much into it, I thought I remembered it read I like this H more than the old one, to me it does say that. I wonder what it says to an 8 year old child?
do you think I am reading more into that?

well here's to a better weekend....oh yah and I lost another 4 pounds......8 pounds loss over all, in less than 2 weeks! so yeah me, I can do something right! (sorry that was a little bit of what my mom would call a pity party!)


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