taking steps

I went to the Dr on Thursday morning to discuss my worries about H. It is amazing to me how I felt somehow I was betraying her, that it was a sign of admitted failure on my part or a white flag of defeat. I am glad I went, he seemed to confirm that she is acting more than a normal "acting out child"....whatever that is! I have always considered my children quite , well strong-willed. I have read many books on parenting and in so many ways my kids seem to break the mold. Either that or the books are a bit out of date and not really relevant to what our kids are exposed to or today's culture cuz let's face it, todays child is much different that what we were like! I was born in the early 70's....not that old!!
I shared my heart, my worries that she is not handling ALL that we have been through. What our family has been through has been a lot, said that before blogged about it to a point but living it out is another story. I know that a lot of me is waiting for the bottom to fall out on me again. I know that I have still have lingering results of the past 6 months. I am aware that the girls pick up on my feelings, especially this one, and that they still need to process it all, in their way.
A part of what bothers me and I guess I need to think about it some more and then bring it to her teacher, is that her teacher is trying to stress to H that kids like her because she is smart, not because she is silly. She really is funny though!! she has quite the sense of humor, being funny is a big part of who she is. If she is using being funny which is natural to her as a coping mechanism is that wrong? should we not look behind the silliness to see what may have happened to trigger it, if indeed this is a coping device or a way for her to hide her real feelings? Don't we all do this to an extent as adults? is it not our human survival?
She got into trouble the other day and when I went in to get her she was crying, she forgot her spelling homework for the 2nd week in a row. I thought it was in her backpack, this makes me feel guilty which the teacher is very quick to say no it is her responsibility not mine. BUT she has really no short term memory! I tend to think this is a genetic thing but am trying to help her with it.
anyways think I have mentioned all this before.....

the Dr is going to send her to a pediatrician and then to a child's psychiatrist. I wasn't sure how to feel about the psychiatrist part but after talking to my oldest sister today who is a TA for kids with special needs and a mother of an ADD child..well adult now! she said labels can sometimes help but she found even with labels you don't always get the support from teachers. I think it would be great if the Dr's can help her voice her feelings and frustrations and can help her to cope with all that is going on inside of her. I did try one other approach with her as she has been DEEP in code red this week before saying "code red"..... a mom at church told me she does the following with her 14 year old and it works so I thought I would try it, even if H is only 8. She was nattering at me yesterday morning and not listening and carrying on and on and things were escalating to the point where she was losing it and I was getting angry and so I told her "since you are being so rude and disrespectful and not listening to me you have lost the right to communicate with me until that changes". She didn't believe me at first and kept going on but I continued to ignore her and then asked Em to tell her something for me, by the time we were ready to leave for school she had done a full 360 and was sweet and listening and got ready for school and IN TIME no less. Then when I dropped her off she looked at me with big tears in her eyes and said she didn't want to leave me and she loved me so much. I cried too. It was such a real genuine moment of tenderness that we haven't had for a couple of months. She has not been disrespectful to me to that degree since, and that being over 24 hours is really good!
So I think we are taking steps in the right direction!

1 comment:

MugwumpMom said...

You have your hands full and are doing an admirable job. I see something in each of your kids that will stand them in good stead as they grow up..I know you worry now, and God has your back. I know it's pat to say "don't worry"..'cause you do, and no one should expect you not to..and God has your back. Your kids are going to be fine...eventually....

Now, if I might add one thing that I hope you take in love...what you told H about loosing the right to communicate with you was BRILLIANT...well done !!! and...would have been even MORE BRILLIANT couched in "I'm feeling very disrespected right now by how you are speaking to me, and for that reason, I can no longer listen to you...you've lost the right to speak to me until you speak to me in a way that does not hurt so much"......or something along those lines. This takes away the judgement on her, and gives her insight into your feelings and how her behavior hurts you....something she will find easier to connect to and be more inclined to own.
Love you!!!!!