reflections

So much has happened in such a short period of time, and with working so much there seems to be little time for reflection or ME time, like it is easy to find as a mom let alone a working outside the home mom! I have come to the conclusion that I can't really trust all my feelings right now. I am aware that some days I am on auto pilot and some days I am aware of where I am.....and that is not always a good place.

What does that mean? not being in a good place? are we supposed to be always happy just trudging along not having lows? now sure that is even possible. Having just gone through an awful lot in a short time period there bounds to be some effects! One that is apparent is a HUGE weight gain for me....not eating any differently but the weight is pouring on, which makes me feel down even more!

I am going to my family Dr on Wed and finally going to get to talk...not that I don't talk now but in July when I saw him last he recognized that I will need to talk and I am SO ready. I am thinking about a support group too of some sort, I know that J is not terminal and he is doing so much better lately...well specially after we had our week holiday which we sadly realized was the FIRST time J and I have ever taken a whole week off together as a family (or even just the 2 of us) since our honeymoon! yup 13 years, something is really wrong with that! We are making a point to take more holidays! but dealing with this has been hard and I am not sure what is normal to feel even or if what someone else has dealt with could help me or vice versa.

Xangelle said on her blog about being open and sharing what is going on in your life and how that can create a sense of community. That is something I experienced more of for the first time living up North. I never even knew what a piece of living in community was as an adult. Like Xangelle we experienced that growing up in our church in North Vancouver. It was a true family a community and when I see these people after so many years there is still a connection there.

Not sure where I am going with this post, it is kind of all over the place like my thoughts and feelings these days! Guess I am just really wanting that sense of community too, that knowing that others are pouring in to my kids in areas that I can't and adding to the places that I can. That I can be honest always about what I am feeling and not getting judged or made to feel that I am missing something spiritually! Or being open about how and where I am struggling and being able to help someone else open up about their struggles. Just being real having life together. No expectations besides love and acceptance. Pointing out my strengths when I feel weak.

This is what I long for, what I want for my kids and J and myself. What I think we all need.
K well going to have to go take care of J, he has the flu poor baby!

going to chew on this some more and spit out my thoughts when I can!

4 comments:

Dawn said...

Yours is about the third one I've read today about being frustrated and a bit down - so don't feel alone! It is a normal part of life.

I hope you find the community you need!

Just Me said...

Wow...you have alot happening right now. Remember, you are loved. Call me if you need me. Better yet..let's just book a coffee, even if you don't feel you need it. I've got big shoulders and a HUGE box of kleenex. I'll listen and you can pour out - deal? No advice...just listening.

Theresa said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

MugwumpMom said...

Totally know where you are coming from...and totally want what you want. True family and true friends...see my crap, love me anyway kind of true family, true friends. You've got that with me, and I have that with you...it's a start. Love you tons.