walking it out

so the Father is stretching me... I know such a Christianese thing to say! really I want to stop talking like that! it's another one of my personal goals.. anyways back to the point at hand..

how to walk in love... or learn to live in love...love what the scripture says about in Him we move and live and have our being... my cousin mugwumpmom has been talking about it too! she is such a great writer and she has also been teaching me a lot about interpreting dreams! it's amazing stuff.

there is no greater place for me to learn this then at my work place. The General Manager there, who I share an office with and spend more time with then any member of my family..said thru grit teeth..see there I go again. man. He is a challenge for me to walk in love for. The way he treats people and the staff goes against every moral fiber of my body, it is hard for me to keep quiet. Lately I have been speaking up more, it feels good but at the same time does not a lot to the literal disturbance of the peace in my body. We are talking upset stomach's and nerves jumping galore. Today someone else at work even noticed my face was flush, that's how angry I was. So frustrating to me. Then there are times when he can be funny and charming even, I know I can't even believe I said it, and I feel sorry for him. He lives at the hotel so you can imagine how lonely it gets for him. A couple of weeks ago he had an attack of diverticulitis and I had to call 911 and I was freaked, I thought he was going to die. He doesn't take very good care of himself and suddenly through this last week I realize that somehow somewhere along the way I have picked up responsibility for him. YIKES! how did that happen? probably just the mother in me I am not sure. I have to tell myself he is not my responsibility over and over. I have to tell myself that his actions towards others is not a reflection on me. It's crazy work I tell you.
Today I finally told him that I will not be there much longer...........phew can let out a deep breath....... I told him that with J working out of town and that may be our life for a while yet to come that I can't do full time work and be the sole parent of 4 kids (+ 1 very cute exchange student) and take care of the house, which is difficult for me at the best of times :) , and I won't be there past June...phew I can still feel the baggage dropping! he responded by saying well should I tell the owners? I said oh yes please do! another deep breath. Why was that so hard? I think it is the amount of responsibility I have been carrying for awhile now. ok I am so emotional and no not that time of the month reason either, I think when you are really hearing God speaking to you and you can tangibly feel it, it's going to move you. I have been carrying way too much, meanwhile my Heavenly Father has been waiting to carry it for me. And I have been so busy being busy and responsible that I didn't hear Him. So it's not just giving my 3+ month notice at work, it's realizing He wants to be in the drivers seat. Even my dreams have been speaking that to me, I am hearing the message now.

So back to walking it out. Learning to live in that love, be in that love and rest in that love. I want that more than anything.

I also want to say that J and I have amazing parents, both sets! they have been loving us and supporting us always, and this year even financially spiritually and emotionally more than ever. I can't imagine what it would be like to have one of my daughters go through hard times. They have been so encouraging and my parents let me vent and ramble on and on and on and on...till they say here talk to mom or talk to dad...my little clue that they are done for the time being...I don't care I just repeat my ramblings to the next parent! it's great to know that I am loved!

2 comments:

Yellow Mama said...

What a journey. God is sufficient.

MugwumpMom said...

Everything we learn about loving we learn in the difficult relationships that God allows us to experience..how else would we learn? From books, while cloistered on a beautiful tropical being served by beautiful, perfect people who do your every whim and beckoning??? I wish...