In my post this morning, quick post rather, I mentioned that I want to be just like my parents when I grow up. Today at work I told my co-worker that I still FEEL 18 but I know I am not..... even my body is betraying my mind now!!
There have been so many times lately that I have felt like running away. I know it sounds selfish and I wouldn't BUT there are many moments when I get feeling panicked and just "want to go home". Home lately has been full of so many adjustments and sometimes really hard. Last weekend these feelings were overwhelming to me. Then of course I chastise myself and get frustrated and angry at my selfishness and childishness. There is no going home..... I am home. I berate myself because I know others are going through things that are much much worse. Yet I know I don't want to deny myself what we are going through and under mind the pain. Sounds like the ramblings of a double minded man to me.
I was able to talk my feelings out to J on the weekend. This was a good thing in the end but it was hard for him to hear everything too. The truth is that the steroids are affecting his mood swings and sometimes....not all the time....but sometimes it makes things harder.
Who said life was going to be easy?
I wanted so badly to go with my parents to China. When they told us about it at Christmas time I was overwhelmed by that constant desire to go places and see things. I love love love to travel. I have dreamed of it my whole life. I always wanted to go to Africa and when I was 17 I did. I always wanted to go to Ireland and when I was 18 I did. I have been to Belgium, London, Mexico and all over the States as well. I see a plane and wonder where it is going and when do I get to go too?! I have always known there will come a time again when I will be able to travel and do what it is I believe I was created to do. So now when times are tough I long for those days to be nearer. I have been remembering Kenya and the people I fell in love with there. A people who have so little and yet have more joy than any other people I have met! I have been thinking about the beaches there and the constant assurance that God is real. Something that when I am being honest I have struggled with as of late. When I was there I felt His presence all the time and I long for that again. I long for the peace that stills my worries and fears. I get fleeting glimpses but I know there is more.
So when I really think about it I realize that I am going through growing pains. I know in my head that we will get through this I just have to wait for my heart to catch up. I know that the plans for our lives are not dead and gone, just maybe detoured a bit and not going at the rate that I thought they were. I know that even though at moments I feel alone and abandoned that He has never left me or forsaken me. I know that I am not at the same place I was 6 months ago and will not be where I am now 6 months down the road. Not fun but can learn to take the hope that in the pain there is growth!