She sits here late at night in the dark while her husband and babies sleep silently. She is unable to sleep disturbed by the internal clock that seems to be loudly ticking down the hours minutes even seconds until her life looks different. Tormented by thoughts of selfishness and guilt and yes even of anger even tougher for her to admit. The cold wet sting of frozen snow under her bare warm toes is what she longs to feel so that she knows what it is that she is feeling. To stand under the heavens blanketed with stars and raise her closed fists and yell and scream her frustrations and know that she is heard but is not sure if that makes any difference. She longs for the life she dreamed of, the one she thought she finally had.” I want my cake and eat it too”, she screams in her head, “Just this once”. Again the guilt takes over all the other powerful emotions. “Don’t make him feel worse than he already does” cuts through the forefront of her mind. Too strong a knowledge to ignore, he is going through a worse time than she.
How would it feel to have strength stripped away from your hands and your feet? How would it feel to know the dreams are put away on a shelf? How to feel that she has to leave against her desires and have to be the one be where she wants to be?
She knows it is not easy.
“At least it is a position of importance”, she tells herself. As if that somehow matters. All she can hope for is that somehow it will. Somehow it will make this easier and more manageable. Make the days go by faster so she can be back where she wants so desperately to be. To see her husband able to provide the way he wants too, possibly the way he needs too.
Having a future so unknown, she knows others have faced the same. Knowing we have Grace, at times brings her peace. Like flying a kite on a wild and windy day she grasps on so hard until her fingers sting with the cut of rope.
Chastising herself for being so dramatic. “Suck it up sista” takes over the rant, “stand up tall and keep walking”. She is trying and then gets mad again that this is happening at all.
Hopefully now she will sleep, knowing that she can do nothing. Nothing for her husband that is not seeming to get better, nothing for her family except go to work. Nothing but try to hold on to trust that they will be able to figure out what to do next. Trying to ignore the fear and the anger and now the tears.
Maybe now she will sleep a deep slumber that takes the worry away, that lulls one to happier times and reminders of what has already been done and miracles yet to be revealed.