Pondering about friends

Since we have moved so far away this summer, far from family and friends. I have had a lot of time to think about friends and some of my friendships. I have a lot of friends but I haven't had a best friend for awhile now. I miss having a best friend. The last best friend I had hurt me deeply..... Ruth's question to me made me think of her and that situation. Sometimes you forgive but you remember the pain for awhile and I wonder if that hurt makes me withdraw from letting another friend get too close again.

Growing up we were taught not to be too exclusive and to be friends with everybody. I think Shash and I are pretty good at that. We both seem to have a lot of friends. J is my bestest best friend. My mom and dad are the bestest of friends too. I think that is important! you need to LIKE your spouse!! Still J cannot replace that girl to girl friendship that us women desire. I can't talk to him about my face breaking out.....just something I don't like to get into with him! :) I can't talk to him about what the latest styles are or crafting......he just doesn't care.

I have been making some really good friends up here. 3 that I would consider pretty close.....M, S and S. They are great women and so different from each other and all make me feel ...... well... they make me thankful to have them in my life. They seem to like me and hey that feels good! I once had a friend tell me that they loved me but they didn't like being around me too much at one time. YIKES! I wondered why they told me that and what was there about me that they didn't like? Statements like that are great door openers for pity parties and self examination. Not that self examination is wrong but sometimes it is the other person's issues.... not yours!

Not everyone is going to get along with everyone! there has been at least 1 person at every work place that I have been in that I just didn't click with....they rubbed me the wrong way or I thought their voice was annoying or just them as a whole was annoying to me! have to admit that I am not perfect and have/do judge(d) others too. People who tend to be negative are not ones I choose to hang around with. I have met plenty of women who seem to want to be good friends but I couldn't handle the negativity. I also have a hard time telling people what I really think sometimes! well not in every situation I think I come across as opinionated hehe to some people! J gets to hear it all..... and he still loves me!

So what makes a good friend? what do you look for in a friend? Do you have a best friend?

15 comments:

Ruth said...

wow. it's like we are thinking the EXACT same thing...
:)
i was thinking about friends today too. i have always had a lot of friends growing up.

but lately i've been longing for that special friend. ya know? that kindred hearted type of a person that you can just BE with.

i haven't had a friend like that in a long long time.

i miss it.

ps i can identify with the part of your post where you shared that your friend really really hurt you and maybe that is why you push people away.

i think i do that too.

i got really really hurt 10 years ago. and the reprecussions of that hurt seem to vibrate to this day.

so annoying. :)

Ruth said...

I have friends, just not a 'best friend'. I never had a whole lot 'friends' but more acquaintances growing up. I never got really close to anyone, cause I couldn't please everyone forever. It was just easier to keep my distance. Then 1 year I met this awesome gorl, we were 13 and we were just meant to hit it off, know what I mean? We did lots together even though we lived far apart, but we got in lots of big trouble too. She died when she was almost 16 and since then I don't think I have ever replaced her...I think I will post more of this on my blog tomorrow, you always give me things to think about!!

Anonymous said...

Well best friends are the greatest. Yup have 3 as well - except they live fairly long distances from me. Yet when we get together again, it is like we never have been apart. They are the kind of woman you want in your life, regretfully not all the time. Many years were spent together when our children were younger.
http://gfgsa.blogspot.com - have started a blog where I am trying to encourage South African Women to meet have coffee and get back to having girl friends. I don't think communicating thru blogs is the in thing in south africa. A lot of women my age [56] don't even have a computer.
True girl friends are not the kind of woman who let you down; they are also the kind of people you should be able to call on when anything really important happens.
Finding myself in a new city, Johannesburg, south africa, coming from a small sugar producing village, where I spent most of my 36 years of married life, I find myself without any real girl friends. Women seem to be very, very afraid of woman who are separated, getting divorced, or divorced. Why do they see us as a threat? Heaven only knows I had a man for 36 years and don't think I want someone else's man?
This is the kind of subject one can debate for hours.
Really enjoying all the blogs and hope that this will really catch on in SA soon.

Good luck to all who are looking for girlfriends, they really are important in ones life.
Mwah

Amber said...

I look for gals with common interests and these days, children that get along with my kids. Since I moved to CO a few year ago, I'm surrounded by friends but don't have any I'd call my best (besides my husband). But, I still keep in close contact with my best friends via email and it's a good substitute!

mom of 2 said...

I do have a best friend and she'll be moving soon. I think a good friend is one whom you can annoy from time to time (and she can annoy you) and you remain friends. I think friends should be honest and it should be ok to honest. And friends know that each other isn't perfect and that's ok, too! I look for people who are genuine and just be themselves!

The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

I have 3 girls that I call my best friends, and they all live at least 3 hours from me! Because we move so much! I have realized, that I need to be around women on a weekly basis to keep my spirits up. I am so happy where we are right now, and we have 3 couples that we can call and hang out with in a moments notice! It is so nice. I know what you're talking about with your hubby. The FM wanted to be my ONLY BEST FRIEND, so he started doing the things with me that I enjoyed and would do with a girlfriend...ie, going to Target ALOT! lol. that only lasted about 3 days, and then he decided that I did need women to be friends with. hahaha!

Clan Schmitt said...

I best friend is some one who sees your ugly side and decides they still like you any way. Your friendship has been tested. They don't have to agree with everything you say and sometimes give you a nudge to wake up.
I have a very close freind we talk about everything, well not everything. we talk almost on a daily basis. She has given me alot of insight.
I also growing up and had friends, that weren't really friends just users, I don't give out my friendship easily, I am friendly but I find it difficult to trust people. The older you get the more difficult it is to make friends, everyone already has their own friends

Elle*Bee said...

I don't know that I currently have a "Best" friend. I considered my highschool friend my best one until she moved across the country a couple of years ago. No, I'm not angry that she moved, it's just that our email/phone interactions are few and far between. Perhaps that'll be my New Year's Resolution.

Re: your remark that you can't talk to J about your face breaking out. I had to chuckle b/c I noticed my Clinique toner was evaporating rapidly? Turns out Dear Hubby (who is my bestest friend) has been using it, along with my under-eye depuffer. I've got to learn to hide my stuff! As 'progressive' as he might be, I'm certain he'd never go with me to get a facial. LOL

As for the 'love you but can't spend too much time with you' remark, yeah, that'd be a door opener (as you put it) for me too. Only the door opening would be followed by my foot, then the door slamming closed. You're a better woman/friend than I! Perhaps that's why I don't currently have a best friend. ;-)

That said, I have a rich variety of friends crossing several generational and cultural lines and I love them all.

Elle*Bee said...

I don't know that I currently have a "Best" friend. I considered my highschool friend my best one until she moved across the country a couple of years ago. No, I'm not angry that she moved, it's just that our email/phone interactions are few and far between. Perhaps that'll be my New Year's Resolution.

Re: your remark that you can't talk to J about your face breaking out. I had to chuckle b/c I noticed my Clinique toner was evaporating rapidly? Turns out Dear Hubby (who is my bestest friend) has been using it, along with my under-eye depuffer. I've got to learn to hide my stuff! As 'progressive' as he might be, I'm certain he'd never go with me to get a facial. LOL

As for the 'love you but can't spend too much time with you' remark, yeah, that'd be a door opener (as you put it) for me too. Only the door opening would be followed by my foot, then the door slamming closed. You're a better woman/friend than I! Perhaps that's why I don't currently have a best friend. ;-)

That said, I have a rich variety of friends crossing several generational and cultural lines and I love them all.

Mama Lorna said...

To me a best friend is someone you can talk to about anything and they will never judge you for what you are saying. A best friend is someone you don't always see but as soon as you get together you just carry on with where you left off. Syd is my best friend, but I truly agree with you in saying you need a girl best friend. This is very important. Have an awesome day

Anonymous said...

First ever blog comment left - I hope this works ok. I found your site by accident looking for something in a google search. First I was at a different blog and the girl mentioned someone that recently moved to PG, so I was interested. I recently moved here too. My husband & I lived in Calgary and it was a difficult decision to leave our Church family behind, I think really, that was what would have kept us there. Our family are all in BC, so as we wouldn't live in Vancouver (my Mum & bro) as the housing is too expensive and the driving is too slow, we came to PG where my husband's family are.

When I looked at your blog, I went through and read a few different things as you mentioned trying to find a Church, so I scrolled through a few different posts. I was surprised when I saw your house and it was one that I looked at (just on the internet) as I was in Calgary and my husband was staying with his brother here while we were trying to wind stuff down in Calgary.

Sorry, my husband says I always give too much detail. Anyway, FRIENDS....I have some good friends that I left in Calgary. I am still in contact via email or by phone or we use Google Talk. Sometimes you can just sit and not talk about anything - do you know what I mean? You just like spending time with that person, so you pop over for morning coffee or with morning coffee and they are in their PJs, but you just sit and talk. They can ask you to pick up their 5 year old son from the bus and stay with him until the older children get home as she is away visiting her sister. You would drive to the other side of town to take them to the airport, just so they don't have to take a cab. They would pick you up at 7am to take you to the hospital for tests when your husband is out of town and you are not allowed to drive.

Right now, I am adjusting to life in PG. In Calgary, I used to run my own business and was always going somewhere to pick up supplies. I met friends for breakfast, lunch or coffee, went to Costco or the mall together. Friends are comfortable.

I know I rambled on and on - sorry about that...........dl

"Well my life is filled with songs.
But I just could not get along without my friends
And I'm happy now, but when this good life ends
I know a better life begins"

Cool Mama said...

Hey Lise...just letting you know that you're missed - you and J!! And as for friends...I think I mainly look for who the Father has for me. I used ot have 'criteria' when I was younger...but now that I'm older..I realise that most of my friends are very different. One of my best friends is so different than me, but when I was new in town, I asked the Lord who would be a friend to me - He said 'her'. So..I got to know her - and she is a completely different personality than me - but she has turned out to be the most precious friend ever! My hubby is my first best friend tho...and after that comes many - each for their own and unique thigns they bring into my life!

Shash said...

I have had a bunch of girls over the years that have held the coveted "Best Friend" title. It's not as important to me as it was when I was younger. I remember Louise and Kim in elementary school and Trish & Tanya in high school and then Kris & Sara. There were always a group of us not just one on one. Then of course there was the infamous Rosanna who was the most memorable BFF by far. We would actually complete each others sentances and thought we'd spend the rest of our lives with each other or at least in the same town.

But life changes. We grow up at different speeds. We move away. We become different women.

The only friend that I still see and it seems like time stands still is Sara. She lives in New York City now and we rarely talk except for the occasional email. It's ok. She isn't my friend to meet my emotional needs. I admire her and respect her and I think we'll always be friends.

I consider my hubby my best friend and you're right it is just not the same thing as the emotional needs that get met by a woman to woman relationship but it's still great. There are a lot of women that can't even say that about their spouse so I'm blessed. Plus he likes to "go for coffee" and shop just as much as me...

At times I have felt that void but I don't spend anytime out there searching for it to be filled. When God has the perfect person - He brings her by. I trust His friendship making skills better than my own.

In my line of work (PW) I have had many ladies think that I was their best friend and they attached themselves to me like a cling-on. At times I feel lonely but never alone. I have gotten close to some and have been so hurt that I thought that getting close to noone was the answer. That's when God said that He has special friends for me, not to worry.

Don't try to put your new friends into that BFF mold either, don't search for that one perfect person to fill it - let God take care of that.

He has someone special for you too. Just keep doing what Mom and Dad used to tell us all the time, "You wanna friend -- then be a friend."

Shash said...

p.s. I consider you a best friend...

MugwumpMom said...

me be your friend....

heh...here's a ask Lala question...

how would you describe each member of your family (mom, dad, sis's, spouse and children) in ONE word