I can.......

Ahhh how even to start this post. This btw is a therapeutic posting for me so forgive me if it is a little/lot all over the place and might not make much sense.....just to me!

I am not a person who generally feels down. I actually have a hard time understanding people that get down a lot. Depression is something that I can honestly say is something I have never suffered from or understand. Lately though it is something that I think I am wondering about. I was raised to be a positive person. I really believe in the power of words and positive people.....well they just do better in life and that is not just the Bible thumper talking it is a scientific fact. I, for the most part, am a positive person.....well at least I think so! not sure what my friends and family always think but I think I have had more than my share of lives "unfair" events happen to me in my 32 years of life and I still laugh, I still love life.

This week has been a bit of a down week, starting with Monday and J leaving for work for over 2 weeks straight. The day he goes back to work is a really hard day for me. I love being with him. I love him. I love being with him and even doing mundane things around the house with him is time well spent. After he left on Monday I literally sat in my couch stared out the window and cried. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was in awe of how quiet the house was. J has quite the presence and if anyone reading this knows him you know it is true and not just because he is 6'5" and over 260 pounds! There is just something magnetic about him. I am thinking he really is my better half and I am not that exciting without him. Anyways getting sad...moving on to my next point....um ya I think I have one!

So Monday being my "down" day, I wrote a post about friends and it was quite feeling sorry for myself all the way round. I do have a lot of really great friends. Yes some have hurt me very deeply, most of those are not in my life anymore. A few have hurt me and are still in my life and that must be a testament to how good of friends we are. My sisters are some of my best friends. So are my cousins. I have a friend that moved up here the same time we did, on totally unrelated reasons. We have known each other our WHOLE lives. We might not see each other or talk every day but it is nice knowing she is here, someone with history with me, someone that knows me. I am making quite a bit of friends and I have some friends back on the coast that I will always be friends with our entire lives and that is something I know not everyone can say.

I am blessed. I just need to remind myself of it more often. That being said I also have to allow myself to have these "down" days. See I can't even type down without the little "" around it! oh man.
I think I am also quite strong.
I have taken on a lot.
I have moved 900 kms away from my family and friends and everything I have ever known.
I have been on my own here alone more than with J.
I got my own real Christmas tree loaded it in the truck unloaded and set it up all by myself....and the help of 1 really grown up almost 8 year old!!
I can do things on my own.
I can lock the house up at night and not be afraid of noises or shadows.
I can ask for help from some really really really great neighbors without feeling like a looser.....something I struggled with before!
I can admit when I am lonely.
I can parent 4 challenging girls mostly on my own.
I can haul in fire wood (again with the help of 3 of the girls).
I can open jars.
I can unload a truck load of groceries and carry 50kg bags of dog food.
I can kiss the girls goodnight say prayers and run up and down 2 flight of stairs at least 6 times before they actually fall asleep.
I can meet with teachers help with Christmas concerts be on PAC help at preschool run errands and make lunches.
I can kiss booboos and apply bandaids.
I can wash 3 heads of hair while curling my own and putting makeup on.
I can almost make it to church on time :)

I can do all these things some of them better than others............

but

I don't want too

but

I know that really I am not alone.

I did go to a new church this morning. I really enjoyed it. The worship was FANTASTIC...like oh so good that I can't wait for more. The preaching was really good and really timely....it was all about confidence.....hmmmmm think I have learned anything???? The girls really loved it as well and that is important also. They had fellowship after the service and they SERVED me coffee and baking and sat down and talked to me......like WOW.....and I met so many nice people. Some of these people know my Aunt and Uncle from the ranch. The pastor's wife and I were talking and it's a small world after all cuz she knows my dad....even knew what he used to do for a living so it wasn't one of those oh I think I know that name kind of "knowing" someone. So I will go back next week and soak some more of that good stuff up. I needed it, needed the Word and the fellowship and the Worship. Morgan invited a friend who had never been to church before and she really enjoyed it. So it was a good morning. The afternoon however.......well one of my children had a temper tantrum and threw the remote at our 56"screen Hitachi HDTV.....and cracked the screen like a rock on a windshield..........the tv still works but there is a nice big crack bigger than my stretched out hand....right smack dab in the middle..........so needless to say that tomorrow I will be buying a new door knob with a keyed lock and no one but me will know where the key is. And you know who is grounded from tv for a very long time. The biggest miracle.....J wasn't mad....he just wants to come home so very badly.......so I guess I have come full circle of whatever it was that I was wanting to get off my chest and I should go to bed.

Thanks for listening and this wasn't a please cheer me up post, like I said at the beginning just needed to vent.

I will post more pictures of my Christmas decorations tomorrow sometime in the afternoon. I have to say that my house looks fabulous and seeing my stockings hanging in front of my very own river stone fireplace....is a dream come true.

6 comments:

Lala's world said...

ok maybe I should have waited to mumble on when I am not dog tired....not sure how much that post made sense but oh well....if you read the whole thing then I raise my glass to ya!

Heidi said...

Hi Lala - you are truly a stong woman and it is ok to allow yourself these blue moments, as we're all human. Your events in moving so far away from friends and family may have caught up to you, as well as being home without your hubby - this all is just too familiar to me - so I understand where you're coming from. I don't have more than one child so I can only imagine how this can take a toll on you, even if you've always been able to handle it well...naturally this can wipe us out eventually. Just remember self care is important - take a nice bath or read or do some crafts when you can. This time of the year can be draining also, so take time to be still and talk to the Lord. Don't worry if this lasts a couple of days, perhaps it won't, but just if it does - be good to yourself because it's not uncommon for anyone. I'll say a prayer my friend! :)

Mama Lorna said...

Just so you know you are in my prayers. I am amazed at your strong will and the love you have for your family. Keep on smilin!!

MugwumpMom said...

You're right...you're not alone and evidently, you CAN do all things through Him who gives you strength...glad you found a new church, and you are in my prayers!!
I miss you.

Morning Glory said...

I can't imagine doing everything on my own the way you are. Oh, I could if I had to, but I'd probably be feeling the same way you are. It's especially hard for strong, independent people to suddenly find themselves down. I truly can relate to that feeling. But all the changes in your life have come at the same time. Be easy on yourself and realize that that's quite a boat load!

I'm really glad you found a church that excites you. Maybe that will be a huge help to you.

mom of 2 said...

I think we all have our down days and you are entitled to yours! In church we've been talking about depression and how Christmas brings this on for many people. It's ok to feel depressed. The preacher talked about Elijah and how he was depressed and travelled into the desert and sat under a tree and prayed to God that he would die. I think we were given examples like these to help us understand it's ok to feel that way and God can help us get back up again.

On a different note...I can't wait to see more of your decorations!!