things get worse before they get better

continuing from the last post............just a warning too that is not quite graphic but not for the faint of heart.....

By the time I went in to have the DNC with this latest loss (loss #5) it had been 5 1/2 weeks since the baby died. I was carrying it for a very long time. There were times during the last weeks that I really thought I was going to loose my mind. The stress was pretty unbearable between carrying a dead baby and J writing his final exam. Our marriage was at an all time low. I had to go to the Vancouver Women's Clinic to have the DNC done by my doctor. This is the abortion clinic. So adding to all my stress I had to go there for the procedure. We passed thru security checks and it felt so surreal. They brought us to one room where they had make shift beds of patio lounge chairs. The room was full of young girls and one other lady and her husband who were part of the same "research" group I was. It was awful as one girl there was obviously very upset and seemed dazed and confused. She kept turning her head and looking around and screaming. The nurses couldn't calm her down. It was really freaky. I also felt I had to hold myself back from yelling out don't do it....I will take your baby..... it was finally my turn and they brought me into a small room. This would be the first time I was ever awake for the DNC. My stress levels were thru the roof and she gave me countless injections of adavan and yet I was still uptight and shaking. My doctor explained to me that she wanted to use a new apparatus on me as I was so young (23) and she didn't want to have to keep bringing her patients here to perform the DNC's....... ya ya think????...........so I said ok.......she did her thing went into another room and came back out a couple of minutes later and said....."I didn't get it all. I have to do it again"...........so she did and then I was sent back to my patio chair and a few minutes later she came out to see me and told me " I didn't get it all. So in the next few days you should pass some tissue. It's normal." GREAT!!! this was a Friday 5 1/2 weeks past when my baby had died. If she really knew me and knew my history she would realize that my body had NEVER passed a baby before on it's own.

The next day I could begin to tell that something was wrong. By Monday I had a high fever and could barely walk. My friend Krista was with me as I was trying on clothes for a fashion show that I was supposed to be in that week and everyone said ...... You look pale....you need to go see a doctor....when J picked me up I couldn't even sit properly in the car......it was brutal.........he took me and Krista too the hospital and was going to come back later. The ER doctor couldn't even touch me without me screaming, by this time the pain was unreal. They took me into the private exam room and it was like a scene out of a horror movie. The nurse literally had to hold me down cuz I was thrashing at this point and the doc went to exam me he yelled "Oh my God there is tissue everywhere" the nurse holding me down screamed back to the doctor " she is burning up" they quickly called a tech in to do an Emerg Ultrasound.....he got a speeding ticket he raced to the hospital so fast. They saw there was still stuff left in my uterus. They called the OB/GYN on call stat and he came and within an hour of arriving at the ER I was in the OR. My friend Krista told me later that she could hear me screaming across the ER....... it was that bad.

They kept me in the hospital for 4 days. I had a major infection in my uterus and was told I was lucky I didn't lose it. I was on major antibiotics and told please don't try anymore for a baby. I didn't see much of that happening anyways. As I said my marriage was at it's lowest point and we both wanted out. I cried and slept for 4 days in the hospital.

Soon after I was released J and I decided to take Morgan who was not quite 4 at the time, to my Uncle's Ranch. This was to determine what we should do next plus give me a rest from the ooodles of phone calls from people who meant well but I just wanted to be left alone.

I was having as close to outer body experiences as I knew were possible. I would be lying on the couch and anxiety would sweep over me in waves and I kept feeling like I wanted out of body. My heart would start pounding and I would start sweating and I had to repeat the name of Jesus over and over in order to calm myself down and literally get a grip. I had only experienced this one time before with another miscarriage and I was upstairs waiting to go into the OR and I could hear a voice telling me to go ahead and jump out the window....pull the iv's out and jump...this is the rest of your life.....you will never have a baby....you will always be a failure.. you won't wake up from the anesthetic... I sat up gasping for air and with my heart pounding in my throat I did the same thing.... I called out "Jesus Jesus Jesus" and had to force myself to lie back down and wait for the nurses to roll me in to the OR.

J and I discovered at the ranch that we really did love each other still and decided to make ONE more go at it. When we got home I started looking into adoption and foster parenting. I told the Lord, "I don't have to have a baby with my body, I just want to have more children." I also told the Lord, "I don't want to be a human pin cushion if I do have a baby naturally then it is me and You.... no meds"

Little did I know that on our trip I had gotten pregnant. Totally unexpected and against every doctors advice. Once I found out I was pregnant I went to the OB/GYN who I had met in the hospital with the infection. He agreed to see me. He also agreed to let me do things my way and receive no medication for the blood clotting that was the reason for all the miscarriages. He did tell me that stress is huge and he felt very responsible for miscarriages too. I quickly trained someone to cover for me at work and I went on bed rest. I quoted all the scriptures that talked about children and God's promises, I had done this before too but there seemed to be a bigger fire in my belly about it this time. At 14 weeks I finally consented to an ultrasound as I didn't want one early on. There was a viable baby there. We almost couldn't believe it....at 25 weeks they discovered I had placenta previa and was told about the possibility of C-Section. I didn't really care I just wanted a healthy baby. I was really praying that I wouldn't have to be induced. I was with Morgan and it was awful but there was a lot of emotion giving birth to Morgan as well.

At 36 weeks they said the placenta had moved out of the way and I could deliver naturally. I was in and out of labor off and on from Christmas Eve to Jan 5 when they finally broke my water. She was due Jan 22 but I was so tired and already 4 cm dilated so they figured they would help me along. After they broke my water the contractions picked up on their own and I didn't have to have oxytocin. She was born 9 hours later at 9:24 am Jan 6 1999. We all cried. J could barely hold it together. Our miracle baby was finally here. There was much to be thankful for. Then we could hear her breathing really loudly. The nurses kept pinching her while J was holding her to make her cry harder. Her breathes were raspy and sounded like there was something in her throat. Soon they took her away. They called the Pediatrician in. They took X-Rays and stuck huge microscopes down her throat. They figured she had an underdeveloped trachea and had to be sent to Royal Columbian Hospital for a second opinion and observation. We were kind of in a daze to say the least. We finally have our baby and there is something wrong? what kind of cruel joke was this??? At RCH they were so great to us. They told us Emily's case was serious but not severe...... we were allowed to take her home after they had observed her for 24 hours. Being in the special care nursery was really amazing. Looking at our 8 pound 6 oz baby lying beside premies who barely weighed 1 pound was comforting in one way that she was healthier but for us we were still really scared. We had to be very careful with her not getting sick. If she were to get sick they would most likely have to put a trachea hole in. We lived pretty much in constant fear that she would get sick for 5 months. At 6 months her breathing was normal and her trachea completely developed. I also got pregnant that month.

My pregnancy with Hailey was one of pretty low stress until they told me at 25 weeks that her ultrasound was abnormal and I needed to go to Women's Hospital. It was staggering to me.....here we go again kind of time. We had to go for genetic counseling where they did an indepth chart of our families history. They told us that the baby would probably need surgery right after birth. They freaked us out. After having another 1 hour long ultrasound the technician said, her stomach is emptying after all .......just very slowly, so there is NO blockage as they thought. Halleluah! She did have a very poor and slow digestive system and would throw up if she had too much in her tummy. It took about 2 years for her to out grow this. When Hailey was 9 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I ended up having another miscarriage this time and the OB that did the DNC told me there was clots all through out the sac. I couldn't believe it had happened again. I really thought we were done with all that. I believed I was healed as I had had both Emily and Hailey medicine free. I had to really make a decision about what to do if we got pregnant again.

We did and I will tell you about that tomorrow and wrap this baby up!! my 10th pregnancy was the most challenging and I will tell all as well as tell what catapulted us off that merry go round.....

10 comments:

Looney Mom said...

Whoa! That's alot to go through. I can't imagine how painful it is to go through so many losses - both physically and emotionally. I can see how you have had to grow stronger through it all.

Ruth said...

Wow, I am at a loss for words.

Heidi said...

OH MY GOSH!!! This has left me speechless. What a survivor you are - I cannot wait to hear what's next. WOW.

mom of 2 said...

Oh my gosh, lala!!! That doctor who did that first dnc at the clinic should lose their license to practice medicine...that is just plain terrible!!! I have to say I have loved reading your story and will look forward to see what you write tomorrow!!

Ruth said...

wow.
thanks for sharing.
all i keep thinking is grace grace grace. xo

Cool Mama said...

Ok..this is SO good, I feel like I'm hooked on "Lala's World" aka "Christian Survivor"!!! Can't wait to read tomorrow's. Could't you just cheat and write a post NOW and I could read it tonight? The suspense is killing - how did 'they' get off this merry-go-round? Did they find the happiness they were looking for? Did J fall in love again with the bride of his youth? Did LaLa find the 'man' she married?!! I can't stand it - WRITE FASTER!!!!

MugwumpMom said...

I'm with Cool Mama..write faster!! I'm riveted.

mommaobrienx7 said...

Okay I want to hear the rest of the story NOW! :) You have made me cry, laugh and you have inspired me as I have followed your story so far.

onangelwings said...

Oh my Goodness. I am so sorry for all your pain and suffering. No one should have to live through all of that.

KristieSue said...

You have such a strong testimony... I've only read this part of your story and you have me in tears. God brings us all through so much and he's always there. God Bless you for sharing your story you are an inspiration to me.