Pre-teen dating

so what do you think of pre-teen dating? have you talked about what your standards are for letting your kids "date" ? J and I have talked about courting for years and have talked that way to our girls....no dating.....just be friends......in concept it is perfect. Many people have balked at me for my view point. Many have said.....you push it too hard and they will rebel.....you restrict and they will do it behind your back.......I don't think this has to be the way. I do believe you can set standards!! and expect your children to follow them.....I am not a well lets just give in cuz they will do it anyways and while we are at it, let's make it easier for them!! yah that is just not us......so while saying all this

Morgan likes a boy.....this boy likes Morgan back............this is a first.......apparently the rumor mill is whispering to her that he is going to "ask her out" very soon.......she asked me what I want her to say.........first of........SO GLAD SHE CARES WHAT I THINK! second..........no dating....we are still stuck on that.....she is only 12........but I told her that I think it is natural to feel good about herself that her feelings are being returned......cuz it is a good feeling.....now where to take it from here????

what would you do?

10 comments:

Ruth said...

Oh man, not much advice from me here. I was hoping that having a boy first, I would have more time to deal with it!! Maybe not:-( At least she is talking to you about it, that shows what a great relationship you guys have made together!!

Shash said...

Oh such a good topic!!

Dave's cousin just finished a big huge study on teen dating, his daughter at 16 wanted to date a particular boy (who was a christian, he wanted to know the pros and cons before he said anything, from both sides - stats and the Word.

I've heard "I kissed dating good-bye" written by a teen was an awesome book btw.

Anyways, Dave's cousin found in the stats that the earlier the teens dated the higher the % for having pre-marital sex. At 14yrs it was nearly 100% lost their virginity - that stat drops by the age of 16 and drops almost off the chart at 18yrs. He decided that she would wait until she was 18, she agreed. She never rebelled or went behind their backs or hated them - they communicated it early in her life. She is in college now and dating a good christian boy and the moral and spiritual bar has been set high.

I dated and look at all the trouble I got in! Dave never dated - he took a few different girls out on dinner dates but I was his first girlfriend and lover (after we were married). He was 29.

Think back to my youth group generation... They all were allowed to group date or "grope date" as I call it, "heavy petting", Dad used to say, think about all that went on behind the youth pastor's backs.

The world pushes our kids to grow up so fast. When it comes to my kids - they won't be dating - or "practice divorce" as we call it. The teens at the church who have "gotten it" - where the light turned on with this issue and listened to us - have stayed "safe" while others have had and are having babies...

Some will say, "What's the big deal? It's just an innocent crush!" But their hearts are not something I want to help break. Life throws them enough curve balls.

Whatever you do, don't make the decision out of fear. That is when they feel caged and will break away. Be open and honest with her and the other girls too and don't wait until they're pre-teens to talk about it. It's amazing how fast it goes from "boys are yucky" to "yummy".

Love is precious and their innocence should be protected, that's part of our jobs as parents.

Looney Mom said...

I'll just leave you this link with my "view" on this subject rather than reposting it here. It's a tough one I know but I'm with you.

Xangelle said...

Hey there,

In my house, we weren't allowed to date until we were 17. In my youth group, I did have a few different guys buy me dinner while we were in a group situation, but I never "dated" until I was 17.

Then when I turned 17, it was my last year of high school. I was so much more interested in dating thatn I was finishing high school, and got my self a boyfriend, and then barely scraped by graduating with just enough credits.

I had my heart broken by 3 guys before I met Jon. I can't imagine my daughter going through the pain of a break up. It's brutal.

We are talking about no dating until our kids are finished High School. I have to say that for the most part - I was thrilled to be able to have an excuse to tell the guys that I didn't like that it was my parents fault that I couldn't date. Then I didn't look like the "bad guy". There were a few times that I was upset, but looking back now, it really made no difference in my life overall.

I would encourage being friends with guys in the youth group and from church, in group settings, and not to the exclusion of girl friends.

I would not ever encourage crushes. I think that the kids are just too young, and have too far to go before marriage.

Once the fires of lust get lit, you can never turn them off. They need to get fed, and it's better to not get an appetite for them younger. It's hard enough when you get older.

Just my opinion on it all.

Morning Glory said...

That's such a hard subject! We have two daughters who both had to wait until they were 16 to single date. They could attend church group things together and have kids over to the house, but the single dating had to wait. They didn't always like it, but they didn't have a choice at that point.

I still believe waiting is best. At 12 years old, they are still such children and unable to process all that comes their way in the dating world. That's so often why we end up with children having babies. The peer pressure is alive and well!

Good luck. You sound like you have a good communication level with her, and all the other advise from above comments is really good. It's hard to remember at this stage of their lives that we are still the parent and they will love us even if we don't appear to be their best friend for the moment.

mom of 2 said...

My advice (from personal experience) is to not let it go anywhere! Let them see each other at school and other than that what more is there to do really? I was allowed to date very young and it led to nothing but doing the wrong things, making the wrong decisions and getting myself talked about at school...it was not a good thing! My parents (at 12) thought they had a pretty tight leash on me, but they did not! They were sadly mistaken and I was the one to pay the price for that, unfortunately! Between the ages of 12-13 is when I started acting out the most. Keep her close to you and follow all of your gut insticts!!

Also just an aside about the group dating. Have you ever heard of a rainbow party? This is where the girls put on different colors of lipstick and make a rainbow of colors on the boy's uh...private part. Evidently this is something that is actually occurring in a group setting!! Totally grosses me out! Don't assume just because she's in a group of kids that she'll be safe from things like this!!

Ruth said...

i didn't date until i was 18 years old. totally by choice. my parents gave me the green light to start younger and i did get asked.

but i waited.

and though i still got my heart broken years later, i am so thankful that i did wait. my youth years are full of happy carefree memories.

i'm thankful for those boyless years.

Dawn said...

I used to work in an elementary school and had sixth grade helpers. They were always talking about "going out." I couldn't help but ask them where and how they went out. It meant they liked each other. But this was quite a few years ago. I'm out of that loop right now, thankfully!

Mama Lorna said...

Well, I am not a good one to comment on this one. I had boyfriends early in my youth. My daughter was dating Jacob Hoggard when she was 12. Well, they said they were boyfriend, girlfriend. They even kissed. OOOHHH. I always bug her that she kissed Jacob Hoggard. She hates it. hee hee

mommaobrienx7 said...

I don't know. We are just starting to get to the same phase. Our daughter's won't be allowed to go on a date with just them and a boy until junior year in high school. In 9th and 10th grade the group thing is okay. Until then - NOTHING. And I reserve the right to change those ages to much higher if I choose to at the time! ;)

It's hard! I'm so overprotective. Learning to let go is NOT easy at all! I'm interested to hear what others have to say.