and they lived happily ever after.........or something like that

Soon after the wedding was over and we were on our honeymoon............our battle of wills and miscommunications rose their ugly heads.

I mentioned in my first post "how we met" that we broke up with our first miscommunication after dating for 6 months! that seemed to be just the beginning. I have learned so much in my life and know that we are all what I call "walking wounded" whether it came from our parents or other relatives a stranger or our church or teachers somewhere along the way we have all been hurt. Our wounds color our vision hearing and sight. They affect our filters and they can and will affect our perceptions as well. The world is hurting. This is apparent when you watch the news like what happened in Pennsylvania on Monday. Just tragic. I was watching the news and thinking oh man if he had only received some prayer ministry forgiveness and was able to forgive himself for the woundings he caused others 20 years ago. It is just sad sad sad.

I come from a long line of women who had to be strong. My maternal grandmother was raped by her brothers repeatedly over her youth. My great Uncle's approached my mother and who knows who else to perform indecent acts. My 2 cousins were molested by their step father. I was violated by my then boyfriend. My sister K was raped by her boyfriend. And I know there are more. So we are strong. We are survivors. We don't let anyone push us around. We push first before there is an opportunity to be pushed. We are walking wounded.

Many of us have received healing and are well on our way to walking fully in that healing. You don't forget but God does redeem memories and I have learned to go back to the painful memories and pray "Jesus I didn't see You then but I want to see You now, where were You when this was happening?" and literally I can see Jesus standing at the foot of the bed and looking at me with tears in His eyes and saying to me "what is meant for evil I will turn for good" and He has. He has been faithful to His word and I love my daughter with everything in me and am thankful she is mine.

During the first year of our marriage we looked to dissolve it many times. Others agreed with us that there was just too much against us. We fought horifically and sometimes violently with objects flying. You could say we did everything passionately! We couldn't seem to hear each other at all. We knew we loved each other we just didn't know how to communicate. Small things would set us off and off we would go. Many times I would try to kick him out. Tell him to go. I locked him outside the house always feeling justified, what an example we showed Morgan..... I am so thankful we have learned for not just our sakes but hers! We sought much counsel some of it good some of it bad. To give a picture to how I felt is a merry-go round and round and round we would go and just when you thought the music was over it would keep going and I couldn't figure how to get off.

To add to all this we were trying to have a baby right away mostly because I didn't want Morgan to be so much older then her siblings. I wanted her to feel as "normal" as possible.....whatever normal is?! I miscarried over and over again. Each time I miscarried I felt I deserved it. That somehow I was being punished and the why was a huge range of reasons, from my marrying the wrong man to everything wrong I did in my past and childhood. There was no Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer singing "I must have done something good in my childhood" ya nope just judgment and condemnation. The most horrible part for me was when I was pregnant with Morgan and single and 19 and under the circumstances you can imagine it wasn't a position I wanted to be. So when I went to the bathroom with her I prayed for blood. Now I am married although not very happily for the most part but wanting a baby and all I was getting was blood.

I also learned that men and women grieve differently. For me I had a hard time letting go. I always felt pregnant still even though it had been weeks since the baby had been alive. J on the other hand was just ok lets move on. I thought he was cold he thought he was being realistic. So the blaming begun. I had a baby with someone else so it must be you. And back and forth it would go. Everything was against us. I even thought I was loosing the babies as God's way of telling me I should get out of our marriage!!! yup bizarre thoughts come at you when you are literally living in hell. Or what I thought was hell.....no I can go back and pray "Jesus I didn't see You then" and I see Him walking beside me, always with me, sometimes even carrying me, He never left me. He never has.

I was finally sent to Women's Health Center in Vancouver to a doctor who specialized in miscarriages, since by now I had had 4. At the time she was one of very few that did in Canada. She started testing us for all sorts of things and charted our family histories. I am the only one in my entire family that has had multiple miscarriages........and I don't think there are many who even had 1. They finally said that I had something called Lupas Anticoagulant..........not to be confused with Lupas itself, it is a symptom of Lupas but you don't have to have Lupas to have the Anticoagulant. Basically it means that my blood was clotting and I would get clots in the placenta and it would literally cut off the baby's life. My blood was killing my babies. Now that is something hard to realize! I was 23 years old at the time and the youngest patient she was treating for this. They put me on heprin that I had to inject into my stomach 2 times a day. I also had to take a baby aspirin a day. So I paid the couple hundred dollars for all this stuff and started injecting myself. My stomach was all sorts of colors none skin color! and it was painful. I got pregnant right away, getting pregnant was never the problem.....just staying pregnant. I went for an ultrasound at 7 weeks and everything seemed to be going along just fine. Each time I went to the doc was a 1 hour drive as we lived in White Rock at the time. I had to go again at 10 weeks. I remember the drive in as if it was yesterday. I started crying cuz I just knew they were going to tell me bad news. My marriage was anything but stable and I felt like my life was spinning out of control. Then I just started laughing and I realized that my faith was all I had and I said out loud "satan, nothing you do or anything that happens to me in this life will EVER make me turn my back on my God"........it was an epiphany for me and I felt strength seep back into my bones. Which was a good thing because sure enough they couldn't find a heart beat with the ultrasound and said the baby (they called it a fetus but I always call it a baby.....cuz that's what it is) looked to be about 7 1/2 weeks along. It died a couple of days after the first ultrasound. Then as I was crying in the office the doctor told me that I had to wait till the weekend to have the DNC.... my body never naturally miscarried I always had to have a DNC... that weekend J was writing his final exam for his plumbing ticket and couldn't handle the thought of having to write the test while I was at the hospital. So it was decided that I would wait until the next time she would be doing DNC's for her patients............2 weeks later.


whew this is getting long...............so I will continue tomorrow about what happened next.

EDITED: just to clarify cuz hubby read this over and made a good point...... we did have many good times too. When things were good, they were really good. When things were bad though, they were really bad. And when I referred to my living hell.........that has to do with the miscarriages not my marriage......although it wasn't as you can tell......picture perfect!

10 comments:

The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

Wow. I can't imagine going through all that. I do know all too well about being pregnant and single. I was pregnant with SloMo my senior year of highschool. I stopped going to church because I was ashamed, and didn't want anyone to know...and church is where I should have been going becuase years later when I went back I had several people telling me that they had been praying for me daily!! It wouldn't be until SlowMo was 3 years old that I would fully accept Jesus into my life and start to make some changes. No more alcohol, drugs, or even ciggarettes. nothing toxic has been in my body since Sept 19th of 1999. Of course i was baptized in May '99, just took a few months for me to get everything straight. I then theFantasyMan, who was born and raised in a christian family, and had been a christian since he could remember. His background and my background didn't mesh so well. We dated for 3 1/2 years before getting married, and I'm glad we waited so long, because it really took me that long to trust a man, and to have a healthy relationship. Every man I'd known had a history of un-faithfulness. My Grandfather's on both sides, my uncles, my own dad, most of my highschool boyfriends, and my 1st husband (when I was 18, not slowmo's dad, I was a wreck, I'm telling you!). So I had major trust issues. I also didn't know how to have an argument without totally dis-respecting him. I was all about the name calling, that's what I had learned from my parents!But, thankfully I'm cute enough that he stayed with me, LOL...that's what I tell him. thankfully like I said , we worked tons of stuff out before we were married, so our marriage has been wonderful!! (Except that he doesnt help with housework!!!)LOL.

Sorry this comment was soo long!

theresa said...

Amazing story, hurry up and finish, I'm dying here!.

I too was an unwed mother at 20, but with twins. The father wanted nothing to do with us.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Morning Glory said...

I won't be able to read your conclusion until I get back from Texas, but I want to say to this post that it's just beautiful what God can make out of hurting, wounded, broken people. You have a wonderful story to tell.

mom of 2 said...

Wow, Lala...you have been through so much!!! Sounds like it has only made you stronger though!! Our marriage had it's moments in the beginning, too! I think as men and women we are two totally different species who do not understand the other! I know that when we came to an understanding that we were different we began to be able to work through those differences and see things from the other's perspective. That made things so much better!

I can't wait to hear the rest!!

mommaobrienx7 said...

The more I get to know you, the more I find that we have in common. I got pregnant with my first my senior year in high school. I can so relate to a lot of what you wrote. Your marriage is so similar to mine as well.

I am so glad you shared that, it gave me an insight to you that I did not have before and we are so alike!

MugwumpMom said...

Amazing. You. Jason. Your faithfulness and determination to stick it out. Your children. Your relationship now. Your love for eachother. Your revived respect for eachother. Your perseverance. Your courage. Your strength. I could go on and on. Simply amazing. You both inspire me to keep trusting. Jason...I completely admire and respect you. Lala....I completely love and adore you.

Tammy said...

Wow...what an incredible story!

I can relate just little tiny bit..I did have one miscarriage and though I know it's nothing like having four...I still felt pain, guilt, and fear that perhaps I wouldn't have another because of my age. (This was between my two children.)
I can also relate in that even though hubby and I never got to the point of throwing things and all...we have had our share of ups and downs in marriage. We are both sensitive and stubborn...and I'm a little passionate and highstrung...and we've struggled in the comminication department. But like you guys, we always knew that we loved each other. And when things are good- they're very good!

But we're really trying to work on things such as communication. I think when both people are commited to trying- and have the Lord on their side, to boot- good things can happen even when there's been strife.

Can't wait to hear the rest of the story!

Looney Mom said...

Oh Sister...

redheads said...

Hey Lala;
THanks again for sharing your story, I remember hearing it in March and thinking that I don't know if I would have had the strength to go on like you have. God truly has great plans for you and the Devil will not get in the way of that.

Cool Mama said...

Hey Lala....I know your story, but it's always amazing to hear it again! ..and I can't wait til tomorrow's installment!