Soon after the wedding was over and we were on our honeymoon............our battle of wills and miscommunications rose their ugly heads.
I mentioned in my first post "how we met" that we broke up with our first miscommunication after dating for 6 months! that seemed to be just the beginning. I have learned so much in my life and know that we are all what I call "walking wounded" whether it came from our parents or other relatives a stranger or our church or teachers somewhere along the way we have all been hurt. Our wounds color our vision hearing and sight. They affect our filters and they can and will affect our perceptions as well. The world is hurting. This is apparent when you watch the news like what happened in Pennsylvania on Monday. Just tragic. I was watching the news and thinking oh man if he had only received some prayer ministry forgiveness and was able to forgive himself for the woundings he caused others 20 years ago. It is just sad sad sad.
I come from a long line of women who had to be strong. My maternal grandmother was raped by her brothers repeatedly over her youth. My great Uncle's approached my mother and who knows who else to perform indecent acts. My 2 cousins were molested by their step father. I was violated by my then boyfriend. My sister K was raped by her boyfriend. And I know there are more. So we are strong. We are survivors. We don't let anyone push us around. We push first before there is an opportunity to be pushed. We are walking wounded.
Many of us have received healing and are well on our way to walking fully in that healing. You don't forget but God does redeem memories and I have learned to go back to the painful memories and pray "Jesus I didn't see You then but I want to see You now, where were You when this was happening?" and literally I can see Jesus standing at the foot of the bed and looking at me with tears in His eyes and saying to me "what is meant for evil I will turn for good" and He has. He has been faithful to His word and I love my daughter with everything in me and am thankful she is mine.
During the first year of our marriage we looked to dissolve it many times. Others agreed with us that there was just too much against us. We fought horifically and sometimes violently with objects flying. You could say we did everything passionately! We couldn't seem to hear each other at all. We knew we loved each other we just didn't know how to communicate. Small things would set us off and off we would go. Many times I would try to kick him out. Tell him to go. I locked him outside the house always feeling justified, what an example we showed Morgan..... I am so thankful we have learned for not just our sakes but hers! We sought much counsel some of it good some of it bad. To give a picture to how I felt is a merry-go round and round and round we would go and just when you thought the music was over it would keep going and I couldn't figure how to get off.
To add to all this we were trying to have a baby right away mostly because I didn't want Morgan to be so much older then her siblings. I wanted her to feel as "normal" as possible.....whatever normal is?! I miscarried over and over again. Each time I miscarried I felt I deserved it. That somehow I was being punished and the why was a huge range of reasons, from my marrying the wrong man to everything wrong I did in my past and childhood. There was no Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer singing "I must have done something good in my childhood" ya nope just judgment and condemnation. The most horrible part for me was when I was pregnant with Morgan and single and 19 and under the circumstances you can imagine it wasn't a position I wanted to be. So when I went to the bathroom with her I prayed for blood. Now I am married although not very happily for the most part but wanting a baby and all I was getting was blood.
I also learned that men and women grieve differently. For me I had a hard time letting go. I always felt pregnant still even though it had been weeks since the baby had been alive. J on the other hand was just ok lets move on. I thought he was cold he thought he was being realistic. So the blaming begun. I had a baby with someone else so it must be you. And back and forth it would go. Everything was against us. I even thought I was loosing the babies as God's way of telling me I should get out of our marriage!!! yup bizarre thoughts come at you when you are literally living in hell. Or what I thought was hell.....no I can go back and pray "Jesus I didn't see You then" and I see Him walking beside me, always with me, sometimes even carrying me, He never left me. He never has.
I was finally sent to Women's Health Center in Vancouver to a doctor who specialized in miscarriages, since by now I had had 4. At the time she was one of very few that did in Canada. She started testing us for all sorts of things and charted our family histories. I am the only one in my entire family that has had multiple miscarriages........and I don't think there are many who even had 1. They finally said that I had something called Lupas Anticoagulant..........not to be confused with Lupas itself, it is a symptom of Lupas but you don't have to have Lupas to have the Anticoagulant. Basically it means that my blood was clotting and I would get clots in the placenta and it would literally cut off the baby's life. My blood was killing my babies. Now that is something hard to realize! I was 23 years old at the time and the youngest patient she was treating for this. They put me on heprin that I had to inject into my stomach 2 times a day. I also had to take a baby aspirin a day. So I paid the couple hundred dollars for all this stuff and started injecting myself. My stomach was all sorts of colors none skin color! and it was painful. I got pregnant right away, getting pregnant was never the problem.....just staying pregnant. I went for an ultrasound at 7 weeks and everything seemed to be going along just fine. Each time I went to the doc was a 1 hour drive as we lived in White Rock at the time. I had to go again at 10 weeks. I remember the drive in as if it was yesterday. I started crying cuz I just knew they were going to tell me bad news. My marriage was anything but stable and I felt like my life was spinning out of control. Then I just started laughing and I realized that my faith was all I had and I said out loud "satan, nothing you do or anything that happens to me in this life will EVER make me turn my back on my God"........it was an epiphany for me and I felt strength seep back into my bones. Which was a good thing because sure enough they couldn't find a heart beat with the ultrasound and said the baby (they called it a fetus but I always call it a baby.....cuz that's what it is) looked to be about 7 1/2 weeks along. It died a couple of days after the first ultrasound. Then as I was crying in the office the doctor told me that I had to wait till the weekend to have the DNC.... my body never naturally miscarried I always had to have a DNC... that weekend J was writing his final exam for his plumbing ticket and couldn't handle the thought of having to write the test while I was at the hospital. So it was decided that I would wait until the next time she would be doing DNC's for her patients............2 weeks later.
whew this is getting long...............so I will continue tomorrow about what happened next.
EDITED: just to clarify cuz hubby read this over and made a good point...... we did have many good times too. When things were good, they were really good. When things were bad though, they were really bad. And when I referred to my living hell.........that has to do with the miscarriages not my marriage......although it wasn't as you can tell......picture perfect!