12 year olds and PMS

ok this might be some what of a rant here.......and could be TMI for a man!

my oldest is 12 1/2 and is in the full pms swing of things. I understand this cuz duh...I am a woman.......my hubby.....well yes he is a man......he really doesn't understand PMS except for the fact that I am cranky(ier)......anyhoo........this month she is a bit late and the mood swings are in overdrive. Everything you ask her to do......she defies and has this look of....um how to describe it??? PO'd.... she isn't showing much respect either. Up till last week she has been showing great maturity and now all that seems to have magically disappeared and some upset all the time moody teenager has taken over my sweet innocent 12 year olds body. Like I said I get this....J is having a hard time with it. He has been really really frustrated with her over the last few days.

We had a HUGE fight about it yesterday too. Nice eh?! on Thanksgiving no less ......... anyways ..... how do you discipline attitude? you can't bend her over your knee and spank her! and then that is a whole other post ~ to spank or not to spank ~ you can punish her and yet it is going to be really effective when her hormones are raging and she is not really herself? however if you don't address the attitude she learns she can get away with anything and blame it on PMS..........I am finding it a hard balance to learn. After all there are times when I am PMS'ing that I really feel I can barely control myself from yelling and being short with the girls and J. How do you expect a 12 year old who is just learning to deal with it to "smarten up"?

I was going to be taking her to ride the horse we looked at a couple of weeks ago and I was pretty set that we were going to buy it for her. (It is a 7 year old gelding - quarter/morgan horse 15 hands brown & white paint - just a real beaut) Now J said we can't buy it this week cuz of her attitude. We have to wait. My thoughts are we might lose the horse if we wait too long, the people are expecting us and they work out of town so their weekends are precious, is it fair to punish her when this is partly-mostly PMS, how to walk this out????? ugh.

J and I did NOT agree on how to correct children. We were raised totally different. He was raised in a more children are to be seen and not heard atmosphere and I was raised in the opposite. It has been one of the issues we have really worked hard on. Last year we really started walking together more on this issue and became more of a united front......which is huge and so necessary for our children's well being. We haven't had a fight over discipline for almost that long. I hate it when these things happen cuz it almost makes you feel like somehow you have gone back to where you started from.....ahhhh frustrating. Then it affects our relationship which sucks cuz he leaves today for work and will be gone for 9 days. We did apologize last night but words were said feelings were hurt....sometimes that is hard to forget so quickly.

Am I protecting her too much? am I allowing PMS to be an excuse? how do you teach a 12 year old to control her PMS??? Now I understand that she is not perfect........believe me I get that....... I just want to be fair. At the same time, J is my husband and if he says no horse this weekend, then thats what I have to do, we have to stay united or the kids will walk all over us. ahhhh deep sigh....... going to be a thoughtful pondering day I think.

any suggestions? any been there done that? anyone?

11 comments:

Mama Lorna said...

I really don't have any answers for you. With my daughter (which I have posted a picture for you to see) I just ignore her. But she is 18. When she was your daughter's age, I did not have her full time as she spent half of every week with her father. But when I did have her so seemed ok.
When you started your post, did you just email everyone to let them know? I love do this.

mommaobrienx7 said...

Too funny. I too, posted about PMS today and several of my favorite blogs have the same topic!

That's a hard one. My DH and I often don't agree on how to discipline the kids. Like you guys, our upbringings were very different. That is one of the hardest things we face in our marriage. Our different views on parenting.

I think you have the right perspective. Putting on a united front for your kids on discipline issues is so important. So very hard to do when you don't necessarily agree with the discipline.

My daughter will be 13 next month and still no visit from Aunt Flow. I was a late bloomer too. So I have no experience with dealing with PMS with daughters. But I totally agree with your viewpoint on this one.

Ruth said...

oh. that's hard. i am listenning as i will be there before i know it.

Vicky said...

Ashley is a little hard to deal with around that time of the month. She hates that I can pin down the time TO THE DAY, because I can tell by her declining mood when it's coming. I think you just have to ride it out. Be firm and steadfast that you aren't taking extra guff from her, but realize (like you have and are doing) that these hormones are sending her whole self on a roller coaster ride. She'll be her old self in a couple of days :)

theresa said...

With my daughter and the other 2 girls I raised, I just explained that even when your hormones are raging, attitudes are choices...bottom line....Whenever I had PMS I would think before I acted or spoke and remove myself from situations I could not handle without blowing up. My daughter learned that technique too. Attitudes are choices.

United fronts, well I can't help you with that one. But I feel your pain with adolescence, it's the toughest time, and the best time rolled up in one.

Looney Mom said...

My daughter is 13 and yes we knock heads even without the hormones... I really don't have any answers because I haven't figured it out, but I can totally EMPATHIZE!! Good luck with all that. ;)

MugwumpMom said...

Truth? You are allowing PMS to be an excuse. PMS or not, we still have choice. Compulsive anger rooted in disrespect or wanting her own way, is not exercising wise choice, and nor is she being accountable to herself, God or you if you chalk it up to anything other than her own poor choice. And poor choices should come with a consequence....that's the best way she'll ever learn to make a better choice next time. Gotta tell ya, kiddo, and you might not like hearing this, but I'm with J on this one. If her attitude is such that it's causing this kind of strife, then don't reinforce by "reward". If she looses the horse, well, lesson learned..and if she learns the lesson well, then God will provide a better horse later, in His timing. This is the lesson of self control, and the results when we don't exercise it. Self control is something even us PMS'rs have to learn. No where in the Word do we hear the call to self control for everyone except women who's hormones are raging! Hormones or not, the temper is ours to control, and she needs to learn that, better sooner with no excuses, than later when she'll never have learned to be able to own or take responsibility..we both know someone who has THAT problem.

Sorry didn't mean this to get so preachy..

I'll duck now.

Clan Schmitt said...

Someone once told me to act in between the tantrums. Talk rationally when there is a calm momment. Let her know that God works in her life and not PMS, although it is real.
Liv, has been going through a difficult time as well a lot of defiance. She had not started with her monthly, thank God, but she has signs...body hair already. We are just trying to prepare and let her know that what she will be going through is normal and to not be afraid.
Liv, will not be 9 until February.

mom of 2 said...

Oh geez...my daughter is almost 9 and I know I'll be in your shoes before I know it!! My first thought would be to agree with the rest of the moms about that attitude and being disrespectful is a choice. Then again, I know that sometimes when I have PMS it's not really a choice about how I feel and I can recognize now that it is pms causing me to act or feel a certain way. But I'm a 32 year old woman who has had 20 years experience with pms and it's effects and even after those 20 years it's still difficult for me to admit why my mood is the way it is and work to correct it! Most times I'll do or say something without thinking then a few minutes later realize the cause, but the words are already out there and the action done. As an adult I can go back and try to make it right, but would a 12 year old have the maturity to admit fault or even to recognize that the way she is feeling is because of the hormones...I think I'm talking myself in circles here...lol!! I wish I had the answer for you Lala! I do agree that you and your hubby have to remain a united front though!!

Ruth said...

Oh, I like what Mugwump said. Hard to hear, even for me, personally!! We are getting up towards that stage in our family as well. Hopefully it gets easier with each sibling afterwards...

mouse said...

I agree with mugwumpmom. I have a 14 year old daughter. She has had an attitude and mouth for the last 8 or 9 years, she didn't start her period until after she turned 14 but still when my hubby would get on to her I would get upset at him and think he was being to hard or I would let her off her grounding because I felt bad for her. The kids are the only thing really hubby and I ever use to argue about. I thought he was to hard and he thought I was to easy especially with our daughter. I was the one that was wrong because now she is almost out of control sometimes with her behavior. We now present a united front and things are slowly getting better but my daughter really played on us being split over the discipline. It is still hard for me to discipline her sometimes even when she clearly needs it but I make myself do it and stick with it no matter what she has to miss like yesterday she missed homecoming dance. She is learning acting out is not so good and I am learning how to be a better mom to her.