Let me tell you how I really feel.....

Ok I have been a sane-holding-it-together-keeping-the-peace-female up until now. I am afraid the stress is starting to get to me. I like to think of myself as controlled. I don't feel so controlled now. I know none of this is in our hands. I know that God is looking out for us. I know all these things and yet and yet I feel like the stress is breaking me down. I don't feel cheery and optimistic. I don't feel like posting positive things, which is usually how I try to feel and choose to be even if circumstances are trying to prove otherwise.

UGH and double UGH

I heard from our realtor this early afternoon, stating that she has told their realtor they have till tomorrow morning before we have to move on. Problem is..........How do you move on when your heart has been set on one place for SO long? how do you move on when you live 900 kms away from looking at other places? how do you move on when you have to be OUT of your house in 17 days????? HOW??? I know I know I can hear it myself.... oh you of little faith........guess that is me.

I totally started to come unglued to J this afternoon too. I know he is feeling it too. I had just mentioned how well we are handling all this. We hadn't fought till now. Now it is worse! I should have just kept my emotions reigned in. Controlled, right?! If I was in shape I would go for a run. But I am......... well.............. I am largely endowed and don't have a great bra never mind one that could keep the girls in place with more than a brisk walk! hmph......... I feel like screaming and tearing a pillow apart! I have so much emotion inside and it's to the point of me not knowing how to handle it. I remember feeling this way a little bit after my 3rd daughter was born. That was the only time I ever experienced any remote touch of post-pardum sp?.....I remember feeling like this.....just so much going on inside and unsure of how to handle it.....I also remember freaking out at J throwing carrots at him and then crying for 3 hours straight.........ohhhhh that would feel really good right now!!! better stay away from the fridge!!

Seriously...... I hate feeling like this. At least I keep trying to tell myself that if I have learned anything that I am aware of, it is this, I actually want to move to Prince George, even if we don't get the 3,600 sq ft log house on 20 acres (can you hear me whine when I say that? good!!).... I do want to move there after all. It is not just J leading us to the middle of no where, it is where we are supposed to be going. So on that note I feel comforted and in some twisted way of just having the joy of being me...... peace..........sorry if that sounds like a contradiction.......just the way I really feel at this point.

ugh now blogger is against me....why is it that if I type before I try uploading a picture it won't work??? why why why??? I tried to upload a picture I took of a sunset at the cabin I took when I was there in July. Maybe it will work later.

7 comments:

Morning Glory said...

I'm so sorry this is such a worrisome mess for you. We've learned more than once in the past that if we have to work too hard at making something happen that we want, then maybe we'd better step back and reconsider and look for a Plan B. God always had a better Plan B than our original idea and desire.

Hope you get some good rest tonight.

Looney Mom said...

Oh poor, sweet, Lala. I am so sorry. I haven't had a very good evening either. Not good. I do hope you have the answer your heart is set on in the morning. May God's peace fill your heart.

Ruth said...

Oh Lala...I am praying for things to work out for you soon. It is such a tough thing to go through. God is good all the time...He will come through, even when you think it is done....

MugwumpMom said...

Hang in there! It will get better..really.

mom of 2 said...

I'm sorry for all of the "junk" you are going through! Hopefully it will get better very soon!

Elle*Bee said...

Morning glory summed it up better than I could. I'm such a little control freak that I like every detail planned out in advance, no surprises. God, however, has an incredible sense of humor - even if it takes me a long time to get the joke. I get so stressed trying to look for the answers and I think sometimes his answer is "just wait..." I hope you don't have to wait long for your answers. (BTW, thanks for linking to my blog. I really enjoy yours too and will do the same.)vmbzk

Elle*Bee said...

oops, sorry for the vmb...stuff. I turned my back for a second and my 4 yr old apparently tried to say 'hello.'