Grade 6 girls..............

My oldest is in grade 6. She attends a middle school. She got bullied last Friday. I called the principal and councilor and they got to the bottom of it. I had done her hair in braids....like lots of little braids........and I guess a couple of girls thought that was unacceptable. They made a barricade and wouldn't let her off the playground. They pushed her a couple of times and teased her about her hair. When I picked her up after school I could see on her face that something was wrong. It took her a long time to tell us what it was. She went straight to her room when she got home and had a good cry. I felt angry......like really angry............ I don't think I was ever teased about my hair.

I was talking to J this morning about how cruel girls can be. He doesn't really understand because he never experienced anything like this. I did. I had a friend in grade 7 (I was a year ahead so I should have been in grade 6) and at the end of the year she got a couple of other girls and a boy and they held me down at sports day and dumped buckets of water on me.....while they did they told me what they really thought of me.......I had NO idea that's how they felt and had NO idea that was coming. I was humiliated and shamed and to make things worse my friends mom came out.....saw us fighting.....uh ya....I fought back...I hit her on the back with my bucket that I managed to get away from her and was prepared to do battle....shash and I did our fair share of beating each other and I wasn't about to just "take it". Her mom brought us back into the school and they both began to yell at me and try to put me down......finally a teacher walked by heard what was going on, stuck her head in the door and came to my rescue!! I loved her for that!!!.....so I know a little about what Morgan is going through and how cruel girls can be.

She called me this morning from school wanting me to go pick her up. She said N isn't her friend anymore and is ignoring her and she just wants to come home. She was crying. It broke my heart. I want to go pick her up but know that that is life and reality and she has to learn to deal with people like this because they are everywhere.....in your workplaces, wherever you go.... for some reason there is someone there who you just rub the wrong way and vice versa. There is only 2 months of school left. I told her to go get a book from the library and spend her lunch sitting outside reading. I told her to be nice to the girls who are being mean and smile when you see them and don't let them see that they are getting to you cuz that's what they are wanting to do. She managed to pull herself together and go back to class. So much of me wants to home school her put her in a bubble and protect her from all the evils in the world. I know that I can't do that though. I know she needs to learn to deal with that.......part of me wonders how fair that is though???

I really see the struggle in being the oldest child too. I am the youngest and thereby perceived by my older sisters as being spoiled. I wasn't spoiled at all but I can see how as parents we expect more of our oldests. I am so much more relaxed with Faith then I was with any of the other girls. We made Morgan sit at the table until she finished ALL her dinner!!! I would leave her there and come back to find her curled up on her chair sleeping...... I am horrified at myself for ever doing that!! Faith sometimes doesn't even come to the table when we are all eating....she comes when she wants and eats what she wants.....I don't stress about her finishing all her food cuz I know she isn't going to starve and it's just not the big deal it was with Morgan. Because she is the oldest she does a lot around here too. She is the most capable which gets translated to the most work load! how is that fair? I am trying to adjust this, trying to get the younger girls to do more and recognize when Morgan is overloaded. I am trying to give her more privileges.....like letting her stay up to watch American Idol. J thinks she should be in bed, I said well 2x a week she can stay up to watch AI cuz she does so much around here. He has relented some what. See he is the oldest and to him it is part of life to carry a bigger responsibility.

So as far as next school year, I at this point, don't even know where we will be living! so to pick out a new school is a little difficult. I told Morgan to start praying about where she should go to school. I would like to send her to a private school but $380/mth is over our budget right now. This private school has a good drama program and an outreach program where they go on missions trips.....this is right up her alley!! she would love it there and I think she would "fit" there. Maybe I should talk to our parents and see if they can help to send her there? I just want to do what's right by her and protect her as much as I can. I know this age is difficult, add a bio-donor out there who has been a bit in and out of her life for the past 3 years and one who J and I don't trust, add being the oldest, add having a natural tendency to lie/self-protect (which we are working on with her), add hormones, add insecurities, add a sense of where/how do I fit, add so many things and all I can do is hope that we are doing the best by her and that she will come through it strong and healthy! I can't wait for grade 6 to be over!


I just want to clarify that I am NOT anti-homeschool!!! I believe if that is what you are called to do with your children then that is wonderful!!! I wouldn't want to do it out of "fear" but if I felt it was the right thing to do for one of my children or all of them I would do it.......I think all our children are so different and what works for one might not work for another! so I believe that with each individual child we need to feel at peace where they go to school....whether that means at home with you or in private/public where ever!!

14 comments:

Shash said...

I don't remember the water incident, then again my memory is foggy in a lot of area in regards to our childhood. I remember what Mrs. P did to you and the humiliation tactics she loved so much!

Even in Private schools there are bullies... we went to a Private Christian Church School and look what happened there!!! She has to learn to stand up for herself, tell a teacher or adult and you guys. Continue to be her advocate so she knows you're there to protect her, that is extremely important to us girls - someone who is our Knight in Shining Armour... I'd recommend J get involved in that area with you. How he protects her will help her in picking a man for her husband later on in life...

What fun eh? Don't worry, there will be something new next year...

Lala's world said...

this "water incident" was with D.B and her mom Mrs. B.
you know who I am talking about
Mrs. B is dead now....she died of cancer several years ago.

it is hard for J to get involved with this area cuz he doesn't understand it too much....maybe an area for us all to go to see Alf and Pam about?

Shash said...

I thought it was her.

3 more sleeps!!!

Renee said...

Sorry about that. Girls that age can be so cruel. It's hard to prepare anyone for that or teach them how to deal with it in the correct way, especially when you're only 12. I think you handled it perfectly.

MugwumpMom said...

I'm heart broken! Lala, I had no idea that happened to you in school...and as for Morgan...well I oughta!!! I see how that makes you mad. It does me and I ain't even her mom. You can't fight her battles for her, but just knowing you have her back will go along a way, in her eyes. I made the mistake of not always taking Kelan's side..I'd say something truly stupid, like "well, what did you do to cause it?" and it would crush him. Talk about eroding trust, and feeling like you're alone when your own mom won't step up for you. Since mom was like that with me, you'd think I'd have known better, but we tend to repeat patterns in our woundedness, don't we? (and yes, that's no excuse) I'll never forget the day that he told me he felt like I wasn't on his side, EVER! We've made some huge in roads since then, but it still makes me tear up when I think about it.

Kimberly Alexander said...

Lise,
It breaks my heart to hear you talk about that, My daughter Kayla is only in grade 3 and she is getting teased for doing her hair wrong or not wearing the right clothes. Kayla has spent a few recesses at the back of the play ground by herself kicking rocks because the girls are so mean to her. It makes me want to cry. I sit and wonder if there is any thing we can do to protect them from this.
Love you guys,
Kimberly

Anonymous said...

I think you should have gone and picked her up from school, not because she couldn't have handled it on her own but because she asked you for help. You mentinoned in your blog that the teacher who stepped in and helped you, you "loved her" for that, she was there when you needed her. Morgan needed you today and you told her to "tough it out". I think a day away, not to "rescue her" in the eyes of teachers and classmates, but as just a special day for the two of you to discuss this issue and come up with a game plan would have given her the break she sounds like she needed.
We all need to step back out of a stressful situation and get perspective. A day away shopping and sharing might give her the courage that she needs to stand up to the pressure she's obviously feeling. We don't have to stay in the battle all the time, and who cares what the other kids think about her leaving school for the day. As parents we need to be that front line of defence and that soft place to land.
From what you shared I think she needed that. I'm not so sure she'll remember how she managed to make it through the day on her own, more than she'll remember that when she called you to come home you turned her down. I'm not trying to dump on you, just being a different prespective. I couldn't leave my children at school if they asked for help. I think because they know they can come home if they need to, they only call when they need to. I think it's created a healthy balance for them.
Just my opinion.

Lala's world said...

hey anonymous...thanks for the comment..... I think that I did the right thing...she ended up working in the snack shack at lunch time and made a NEW friend in grade 7....they have made plans to play together again!! I think there are definetly times when we need to rescue our kids and other times that we do need to let them work it out....cuz in the real grown up world they are going to need the skills to handle things on their own! letting her practice now while she is 12 is giving her the training ground she needs to give her the knowledge that she can do it...and on her own too. I am of the belief that letting your kids "fail" while they are young and at home with you there supporting them and loving them is the best thing we can do for them....cuz when they are adults chances are that they are going to fail at something somewhere sometime....I want them to be able to bounce back, stand on their own 2 feet and not have it defeat them.
She is happy that she stayed at school today and made a new friend.....

Anonymous said...

I think you did the right thing. It's a part of growing up and learning to deal with real issues. She'll be a better adult for it.

Shash said...

Hi La,

You're a good mom and I know that you hear from God and listen to the Holy Spirit on what to do for your family. Each situation will be different, just listen and you'll know when to step in and when to lengthen the "leash".

Remember that Scripture I read up at the ladies getaway... "If any of you lack Wisdom, ask it of Him and He WILL give it LIBERALLY" James 1:5 I like how The Message puts it, "If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get His help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it."

I love you lots and can't wait to see you in 3 more sleeps!!
p.s JZ had his first hair cut today, he's going to make a good date for the wedding!

Ruth said...

Wow, I remember beign teased at school all the time. I didn't necessarily have the family at home to back me up about it and I never told them about it. I kept it all in and am dealing with the crap now!!

It is great that she can and does call when she is needing that strength to help hold her up. It is great for her to learn to deal with the situation herself, with your guidance and knowing that you guys are there for her to fall back on and love on her when she gets home.

She will have the courage to be able to stand up for what she believes in.

Take this opportunity to teach her about how to deal with kids/people like this. There are bullies forever, they just take on different styles when they grow up.

I know you are a great mom and an awesome support for your daughters, and I love you too!!

onangelwings said...

I am so sorry that your daughter is being bullied. So unfair. Kids can be so cruel and it is starting much younger than when I was in school. They tease over everything. I remember my sister being teased, "Gabrielle has no mother!" Nice huh?

I love the advice you gave her about not letting the girls see that they are getting to her. Maybe you want to try giving her some witty comebacks...not nasty just witty. When they tease her about her hair maybe she could say something like, "isn't it cool? I can pick up KTU in stereo"(or whatever your radio station is). Ok..maybe that was lame but you can come up with something. Or maybe she could say something like, "You don't like it? I LOVE it!" If she has soom comebacks that are confrontational she can't be faulted for putting them down.

mommyof4 said...

Oh Gosh you made me cry because I can relate so well to it with my oldest! I did homeschool her one year and she wanted to go back this year so I let her and it has been a non-stop battle with her"friends"! I told he i was going to homeschool her agian for 7th and she hated the idea and said I can't make her! i told her if her socail life interfeers with her grades I will bring her home in the blink og an eye. I care more about her doing well in school than having a greaat social life. All that happens right now in school will not have no effect as a adult the only thing that will effect them as an adult is if they graduate and have good grades to go to collage and mak something of themselves. I really would love to send her to christain school also but can't afford it! AHH what to do with these girls:)

Anonymous said...

Poor Morgan! (And poor you.) Mean people suck.

~JEnny
http://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/