Dazed and Confused............

ever have one of those days???? I feel like I am having one this morning.......it kind of started yesterday and is carrying on to today.

My life is pretty busy........too busy I think sometimes but whenever I slow down and don't have like 10 things planned for the week I get bored! what's with that???? maybe an issue I still have to deal with!! This month between milestone birthdays and 2 weddings and a conference........I feel a little dazed and confused...........this starts reflecting in my family!! It doesn't help when I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday and she tells me in an Oh by the way kind of voice......"I got some blood tests done today because ever since my surgery I have been bruising easily.....like finger print kind of bruising"...............I take a big inner GULP.....self talk myself to stay calm don't freak out it's just a blood test....she will be fine.....she has to be fine.....Oh GOD make it all be fine......(her sister was diagnosed with a form of leukemia last year and is fine now, thank God, and is well on the road to full recovery.....these facts make getting a blood test cuz you are bruising not so fun). She said dad prayed with her and some of the bruising went away. She said that it could be just from the meds she was on pre-surgery to make sure she didn't have much bruising.....her surgery was cosmetic...nothing serious...... meanwhile since that conversation I have been having a hard time "dealing" with it.........I finally told J this morning about it. He asked me why I just told him this morning and I was like "I don't know".....maybe if I don't speak it out loud it was just a bad dream??? I don't know.

When it comes to my parents.............well...........we are close...........really close...........I love them SO much. When I was pregnant with Morgan and feeling like my life was over, my mom stood by me like no one else. She was there for me, always, and I honestly feel like she is my best friend. I can tell her anything........and have........she never judges me or makes me feel bad........she is an amazing woman and really she is my hero and who I most want to be when I grow up. I love her with my whole heart. I can't imagine my life without her. I don't want too. She really is my angel here on earth.

ok........getting emotional here............it was just a blood test right????.................moving on........cuz I just don't want to go there.

Last night I was driving to the conference and I was just driving along singing with the radio......loudly.....cuz that's what I do..........and all of a sudden I realized that the silver truck in front of me had come to a complete stop................we were doing 80 km at the time.......the sun was setting and reflecting very brightly off the back of the truck and his brake lights did not show up too well..............I slammed on my brakes.........realized that I was going to hit him if I don't swerve off the road.........then looked in my rear view mirror to see a 1/4 ton budget rental truck on my tail.......I heard screeching........I cried out dear God nooooooo........I swerved......the truck behind me swerved with me............again I was screaming oh nooooooooooo please nooooooooooo..........it was slow motion..........I could even see the guys face in the silver truck in front of me watching!!! I stopped beside him with about an inch left before my jeep would have gone down the ravine.............the truck behind me stopped about 1/8 inch from my back bumper......I figure the angel behind the jeep got his shins squished!!! my heart was pounding in my throat..........that was close...........it wouldn't have been pretty if my angels hadn't gone into overtime times 100 to save me and the others.............so I just give Him praise for that!!!

When I got to the conference I had a friend pray with me cuz I was feeling stiff and sore from stomping on the brakes so hard and just the realization of what could have happened. I am thankful for such great friends. The conference went really late and I left before it was over...... my stomach was upset and I just couldn't imagine staying any longer. I have some more issues with stuff about all this but this isn't the place to purge all that......but I do have some questions and I think have some stuff to sort out......sorry if that doesn't make sense but it is adding to my dazed and confused mindset this morning!!!

This morning J was upset with me cuz the kids are cranky and he is stressed (he hurt his ankle AGAIN and that stresses him out, he doesn't handle thoughts of not being able to provide for his family and he knows he needs surgery for it but didn't put his name on the 2 year waiting list a year ago and knows he might have to pay for it privately (yikes $$$$$) to get it done now and that means 8 weeks recovery with no work..............we are self employed...........no work = no pay). He also gets frustrated when I go to these type of conferences, for many reasons. He is also stressed that our house is still not listed. My dad mentioned buying acreage with us with a couple of other investors. He said wait before you buy anything, this would have the potential to make us a lot of money. My dad is a very busy man.........so he has the best of intentions but we are at his time schedule mercies.......something that is very hard for J cuz he is a here and now kind of guy............so I feel a little pulled...........this is the only way we can afford acreage......can I convince J to wait??? can I convince him this will all work out????? should I be doing that at all in the first place???? ahhhhhhhhhhhhh can you feel my tension???

well this is turning into a gigantic blog and I have to go have a shower pick up JJ soon and then go back to the school with Hailey cuz I am the helper today. Then I have another conference meeting tonight and all day tomorrow....... if things don't go better I may have to skip a few meetings............I don't know.........I feel dazed and confused!!!!

3 comments:

MugwumpMom said...

omigosh!! that is scary, what nearly happened on the highway. Thank you Lord for protecting my Lala!!
Dazed and confused isn't fun...I'm praying for you. Lord, give Lala clarity...and Your mind on things...for today, for this weekend, and for her/their future in general..And peace too Lord...concerning her mom. Your love casts out fear, so take it away Lord....in Jesus name we ask it, and thank you.

I love you Lala

Yellow Mama said...

I'm thankful you are okay.

I know all about confusion. When I have a day when stuff is coming at me like bullets and I feel as though I have to be "strong" and it only stresses me out (like this morning) I run to God cause He's the only one who can straighten out my thinking.

This morning I could feel the leaders in my neck tensing out. I got in the bathtub and laid down with everything under water except my face. It is relaxing to me. When I got out I just told the Lord...whatever you want to do is fine...I can't go against what you are saying...just make it clear what you ARE saying!

I pray for clarity in your life. Your shoulders are only so big to carry the load, but God's are much bigger. I'm preaching to myself!

Shash said...

What was the conference about? I enjoyed ours....