I am the youngest of 4 girls.........I have always been the baby. I feel the same way about Faith, she is my baby and even though she is 4 now she will always be referred too as my baby. I do hope that when she is an adult though I will be able to let her go. I want that for all my girls. To have the ability to watch them make mistakes and stumble and fall and even fail sometimes and not take it personally if they did this after I had given them my advice. I want to be able to support them even if I think they are wrong. I think this is something we all want out of life. I know I do.
Today is my dad's 60th birthday. I didn't see him today, he went away for a couple of days with my mom. I think he is struggling with turning 60. I am actually trying desperatly to figure out his behaviour! I didn't know if I wanted to discuss this here but where better to get some of my feelings out and maybe by doing it I will settle some of it within myself. I love my dad. He is a hard-worker....well to say the least I actually think he is a work aholic. They own 2 business' and run a non-profit ministry that runs a Christian radio station in Romania. I don't think I know many people busier then my parents. They love it, they say it keeps them young.
My dad lost his dad when he was only 2 years old. He has an older brother 4 years older than him and a sister born in between them that died at 6 months old (we never really found out why, my grandma refused to talk about it....or her husband dying). She remarried when dad was 13. Until then, they lived in a small 1 bedroom house in Edmonton, Alberta. Grandma worked at Zellers for years and dad remembers always having a job and driving her to work on his little scooter. He didn't have a great relationship with his brother until the last couple of years. His brother, I think, felt the responsibility of being the "man of the house" until he was 17!! and my dad being the character he is, would have pushed that authority to the max and got his share of retrubution. My dad became a design consultant and worked in that industry until 12 years ago when he bought a property management company. I think the extreme poverty he came from has been a big driving force behind his work ethics and ambition. He met my mom when he was 25, she was 27. They met and married in 6 weeks! He adopted my 2 older sisters from her first marriage when they were 7 and 8. Shash was born 1 year after their marriage and I came 21 months later. I look like him. I look like his mom. I think I am like him in many ways but I hear my mom in me too. I have always been close to my parents. I have always been a cuddler and my dad is too, so that was wonderful to grow up getting that need met. He is a wonderful man.
He often states that if he had had his dad around he wouldn't have made some of the financial mistakes he has made in his life. I think because he didn't have a dad it is easy for him to blame things on that fact. I think if his dad hadn't died that he still would have made mistakes and probably have done whatever he wanted to do anyways......most of us do.....but because he didn't have one he sees that as the reason for a lot of his mistakes. I wish he could see this, I think he has some wounding there and I can see why......I can't imagine growing up without one of my parents........but then that all helps us become who we are.....mistakes and even the stuff that we have no physical control of.
My parents have gone from having nothing financially to having more than enough. They really have rode the financial rollercoaster of life. I know that he doesn't want us to have to go through that. He would love to save us from anything hurtfull. I know he can't. I know he is just a dad with human limitations. I know that he means well but I know he can't save us from everything, there are lessons/experiences that we need to learn on our own.
Sometimes I don't understand him, and I know that he doesn't understand me. We are after all 2 different people, even if we share the same blood type and genetic code. I love that he wants the best for me and my family. I love that he wants to help us get ahead. He does have more life experience then I do and has been thru more, that is obvious. I think it is hard for him to let us make mistakes......or decisions that he doesn't feel is right. I guess that can be a hard thing. My oldest is only 12 and going through a new stage in life and things are different with her now. I am becoming less in total control and what control I do try to enforce is generally met with resistance to say the least. I don't know what it is like to be the parent of an adult who is able to make their own decisions and have to support them even if I feel it is wrong or not what I "suggested" they do. I can see that this is hard for my dad. The little girl in me is hurt that her dad is dissappointed in her and the adult in me is mad that he is so obviously dissappointed in me. Really the decision we made is minor in the scheme of things, at least it is to us and if you have been following my blog you will understand what it is about.
J and I made this decision together as we should have. I have to honor my husband, this is something that never really came naturally to me and I have been working on for over 10 years now, I think I am finally getting it. I don't answer to my dad anymore. I don't belong to my dad anymore. I belong to my Heavenly Father, my husband, my kids and myself......then to my extended family. I guess moving from the immediate family to extended is hard on him and something he hasn't been able to do yet. I don't know if he sees all this the way I do. All of our perceptions are so different and my dad and I are no exception to this fact. I had been feeling so torn between my dad and J for a couple of months and had to choose J, if I want to be married that is the way to choose. I really struggled with all this the other day..........feeling so sad and crying and I still struggle with that sense of being a dissappointment to anyone let alone my dad. Funny how you think you have had total healing in an area and then whamo it tries to rear it's ugly head again. By the end of the day though I was feeling stronger and that is when I realized somewhere along the way I have grown up. Somewhere along the way I figured out who I am. Somewhere along the way I gained a sense of independance and strength. I figured out how to walk side by side with J which is how God intended marriage. I figured out that my dad is human and although I will always be his little girl.......I am also J's girl and my Heavenly Father's little girl too....I came to a very powerful conclusion through all this.....I am blessed to be loved so much.
(sorry for the mis-spelled words this computer doesn't have spell checker working for some reason and my computer got sick with about 18hundred viruses and is in the process of getting scrubbed and so I am on the girl's computer.......ok and doesn't it tick you off that you PAY for Norton and it didn't work??? anyone else feel like that???)