what was it like to be 12?

Today has been.........well.........not a good day. Rarely ever in my life do I ever feel down or even remotely depressed. I rarely have eating binges to comfort me................I did today. If you have read some of my previous blogs this week.... you will know that I have been having a harder time with my 12 year old. Some may say that it is par for the course.......no one said parenting will be easy....yes I know all that and honestly I don't think you spend much time wondering what teen years will be like when you are planning to have a baby!! it's all about the baby! and my baby wasn't what you would call planned............. by a long shot!!

She has been struggling with lying. It has been to the point where even when she has been caught and the evidence is right in front of her and she still denies it. I can see a slow progression of this looking back over the years. It is amazing how much guilt goes through you when your kids do something wrong.........the "if only's " come screaming to the for front of your brain. Today has been a down almost depressed day for me, ladled with guilt and self blame and sprinkled with comfort eating. So now I feel bloated too.........nice.....

The issues she is getting caught lying about....well since the biggy right before New Years.....have been relatively small issues and really leave me wondering...... did I miss something??? was I like that???? did she tell the truth?? should I be picking my battles here?? however as far as lying is concerned I don't think I should be picking battles...... it is a major battle. It is starting to effect her friendships at school...... the way teachers view her. She is already labeled as "emotionally needy"......... that's the last thing I want.... a label.....but it is there and it's not untrue. So back I go into the recess of my mind....where guilt and self blame are waiting for me to divulge. I know I made mistakes. I know that I can't take it back. I also know that I did the best that I could with what I had and who I am. I have always loved her. I am finding it hard right now to separate the difference in not liking what she is doing and her. Brutal to even admit that. I love her and I like her. I hate the lying. I hate what it is doing.

I have a close family member who is going to start spending some more time with her. One on one which is great. She isn't the most open with me and I am hoping that she will be with my cousin. I am so grateful to have family and the wonderful support system I have.

I have been trying to remember what it was like to be 12. What I felt at that time. I know I was interested in boys....something she hasn't felt yet...or at least hasn't told me she is into yet. I don't remember all the turmoil and up and downs she is going through. I remember more of that when I was 15 then 12. I also know that I can't expect her to feel all the things that I did. We are all unique and wired differently.

These lyrics have been running thru my head all day so I am going to jot them down and hopefully it will help to just get it out

what was it like to be 12?
to be changing and growing
and everyone knowing
what was it like to be 12?
tears quicker to run
missing childhood fun
what was it like to be 12?
I know best
got to be like all the rest
what was it like to be 12?
give me grace
cheeky to your face
what was it like to be 12?
noticing boys
loosing interest in toys
what was it like to be 12?
to protect what I feel
I no longer know what's real
what was it like to be 12?
so many voices in my head
which path will I be led
what was it like to be 12?


Xangelle said…
Love the lyrics.

It's so hard isn't it. I love ya! Talk to me anytime - Vent! Come over for coffee and baking.
onangelwings said…
You just need someone to write some music and you have a hit!
holli said…
That must be hard - and frustrating.. lying with evidence right in front of her. I would say that it's nothing that a little love, patience and time won't take care of - but in the meantime, you might lose your mind!!

Ruth said…
Love the lyrics...

mommyof4 said…
You know I what you are dealing with! I hope your cousins help will help her to tell whats going on with her! Have you got her checked for what we talked about before? I know it can be hard to take the first steps for help But it will be worth it in the long run:) Please Email me if you would like to talk! I have not emailed you because I was not sure if you wanted to chat anymore about with a somewhat stranger? I have been through most of this and I will be studying to be a child social worker because of my expierence withmy own children. I would love to help out with what I can even if I am not really a social worker yet:) Let me know and you eat those comfort foods and take time for yourself, that is tthe best thing you can do right now.(((hugs)))
Renee said…
I'm heading for that age with Anna and starting to wonder if I should dread it. The hormones have definitely kicked in already. I can't remember 12 too well, but I know it can be a really hard time. Keep us posted.

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