the dilemma of babies

ok so I know my husband is already "fixed" and I already have 4 beautiful and healthy girls............so what is that nagging at the back of my heart???

I MADE my hubby have the big snip when Faith was 6 weeks old. My pregnancy with her was the hardest on me emotionally physically mentally and spiritually. She really is a testimony of my faith! her name does have meaning!

quick run down on that pregnancy ~

I lost a baby right before her which freaked me out all over again because I thought I was done with all of that! (I had 5 consecutive losses after Morgan and then had Emily and Hailey and then another loss before Faith) 10 pregnancies is a lot for any woman to handle. The doctors were asking me to stop trying before I had Emily, I can't imagine my life if I had actually listened to them. Remember people they are called practicing doctors because that is exactly what they are doing "practicing"!!! anyways.... sorry... bunny trail there.......

at 14 weeks pregnant with Faith I passed a huge blood clot. From J's and my experience that was all we needed to see that I had again lost another baby. That was a friday night, I bled the next day.... all day long. I paged my doc. he said to lie down and keep off my feet and he would try to get me in for an ultrasound asap. The hospital told me since it was the weekend I should wait at home unless the bleeding became gushing and I started having any severe pain. So there I waited on the couch, torturing myself because I wanted so badly to hope to have faith but I really couldn't see how that was logically possible. I had had my hope and faith smashed way too many times.

Tuesday I finally was able to get into the ultrasound, only after my beloved OB/GYN, went in there in person and demanded it. I was scared spitless of what I knew they were going to tell me. Of course they wouldn't let my J in with me, stupid hospital rules, no one can enter until the radiologist says it's ok, nice for patients that have been thru what I have and be forced to deal with the whole nightmare alone initially. So I climbed up on the table and started to hold my breath. I knew all the pictures on the ceiling by heart, knew every funny, every hot air balloon every postcard. I tried to settle my nerves, answering the questions asked of me. I talked nervously, I do that. Only a few minutes into the whole procedure and not being able to read the technicians facial expressions I got really good at that.... I lifted my head up and looked at the screen which was right beside my head. Not real easy to do but there was no way anyone could have stopped me at that point. What I was about to see I wouldn't' have believed a million times over. There on the green and green screen was a little baby with a heart beating and as soon as I focused my eyes on her, a little arm waved to me as if to say "hey mom, I'm still here, everything is going to be all right"..........I started bawling. The technician didn't know what to think. I went from a babbling idiot to half hysterical sobbing mess in seconds. I cried over and over "I've never had blood and it be ok I've never had blood and it be ok".... soon Jason was allowed in and he was in just as much shock as I was. He cried too. We held each other in happy disbelief. He told me he would have bet our mortgage that we had lost it.

That wasn't the end to the troubles with the pregnancy but it did give me back a major dose of hope and faith.

At 21 weeks I had another ultrasound and they discovered that I had a blood clot between the uterus wall and the sac/placenta. I also had something called Venus Lakes. I don't really understand that much about it except for that blood pools where the blood arteries go in to the placenta from my body. I had pools where it should have just been a regular flow. Since I was on blood thinners it was a little more note worthy, although my doctor didn't show me he was that concerned about it.

At 27 weeks I started to have regular contractions, had to be hospitalized and given adavan to stop them. It was scarey as at this point we were pretty sure that the blood clot I lost at 14 weeks had something to do with what was happening to the placenta. I carried the placenta at the front and lower and started to get a lot of sharp pain in that area.

At 38 weeks the doctors had had enough and decided to induce me as they were worried that the placenta was rupturing and it was time to get the baby out. They induced me on Thursday night, she wasn't born until SATURDAY......do the math people that is a long time sucking back the gas!!!! her heart beat was doing good and the pain in the placenta started to diminish so they decided to let me go at it naturally since all the others were ol'natural. I am a slow dilater!! And never did fully dilate with any of them.

Sat morning I was a mess I was so exhausted and for me it had been a long 9 months of worry and stress and it was taking it's toll. My doc went to go get a coffee after waiting around for like forever.... and of course that's when the baby decided to come!! I actually put my hand down there, never did that before.....and I felt her head crowning in my hand (I had no feeling down there....and no not because of any drugs....just 3 previous babies!!) I started panting and was thinking (sort of) what am I going to do? I can't pant this back in. I had one hand on the top of her head and the other holding well really gripping the gas to my face, they almost fused! I finally realized what the heck I can't hold it here all day and finally decided to let it go.........that was it that was all it took, her head was now fully in my hands.....Jason looks down at that moment and says "ummmm nurse.....ummmm NURSE....isn't that the head?"..........the nurse looks and says something like oh dear, reaches over my shoulder and says ok Lise just one little push like I had too, I was just holding her there and vula we have baby #4 ...daughter #4 and Faith Lauralye Kari is her name. She weighed 7 lbs 1 oz, not bad for 14 days early and a damaged placenta. The nurse made a point of it to my mom. It looked like one half of it had been run over by a car, it was flat and a different color. Faith was my fourth miracle and for that I feel truly blessed, truly thankful.

So why this nagging?? could it be because some of my close friends are pregnant and some more just all had babies including my sis? I miss the smell of them, the way they snuggle right inbetween your breasts. Their noises and squeaks. I don't know?

Maybe you never get over that as a woman? Maybe we will always miss it and a part of us always secretly want to have another.

I know if we had the $ J would reverse his V and have another, just one more he says and I know it will probably be a girl, but just one more. Well physically I know it is too late for that. I know I have my hands full, you have to stop at some point. I think though that maybe a big part of me stopped because of fear of going through it all again, maybe that's a good enough reason. I was pregnant all through my 20's I wanted to have my body back for my 30's!

still though, there is that small inkling...........that small yearning.......and I don't think I am alone....I think women feel this for a long time after they are "finished" having babies......what do you think?

and sheesh sorry for another really long winded blog !!

Comments

Renee said…
I know what you mean. I had my tubes tied after my third two years ago and when I see newborns, to this day, I want another one! What's wrong with us?!
mommyof4 said…
I think we all feel this way at some point my husband had a V to. I am stressed with my four but still yearn to hold a baby of my own when I see others babies!
Ruth said…
I can totally relate too.

After my 4th child was born I told my husband to go get the job done. When he finally called I "lost it" I didn't want something so final!! Who knows, maybe one day.... I still feel like I am done, but wonder if I really am or not!!
Anonymous said…
Most women I talk to who say they're finished, really mean it.
I think when you're "really done", you'll know it. Just like knowing when you're not.
I'm not done, I know that without a doubt.
Thank you for sharing your story, it encourages me to continue to believe and have faith for more children.
Suz said…
Hugs, I think we all go through that stage when we know we cant have anymore but see a baby and yearn for another. I know I have many a time. I think its just the mom in us that keeps wanting more.

Hugs Suz
Shash said…
I have 4 beautiful children, the oldest is 7 and the youngest is almost 6 months. People ask me all the time if I'm done. I haven’t said yes (I'm done) but I also haven’t said “no I want more” either.
Anonymous said…
Hi Lise,
I have a minute so I thought I would say that I understand. I see babies all the time and want more but between J and I we have 4 kids--17 thru 5. J swears he's done but I don't want to be. I guess that I will just have to wait and see.
Hope to see you soon,
Kimberly in MT
Thank you for your comment on my sick little one! I read your post about losing babies and my heart leaped in my chest. I'd love to tell you about my loss of a baby girl at 14 weeks. See my profile and email me, won't you?
Kris said…
You know, I'm always kind of jealous of women who said confidently that they're done and don't want any more. I would love that sense of closure. I still can't say I'm done without a pang in my heart. I WISH I had started in my 20s. :)

What a tremendous birth story. How wonderful that everything turned out ok!

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