I sit here at my desk with a million thoughts swirling through my head... while the swirling million thoughts is nothing new they are mostly about the election this past week and the craziness that I see mostly on Facebook and I cannot seem to sort them all out ....
so here I sit .. hoping that pounding them out here .. my therapy place .. will help to not just sort them out but hopefully put some to bed
the hate that I see ... that I personally have had directed at me ... it's scary ... it's sad and it's totally blowing my mind and I hope driving me in the end to continue to just be the best me that I can
I am an always look for the silver lining kind of girl cuz the weight of the crap one endures in life is rather heavy and I guess in that sense I am an optimist!
I hope the silver lining in this for me is just what I had said .. that I continue to be the best me that I can and that in doing that I can achieve peace in my life and in the lives of those that I am IN LIFE with!
this leads to me to another question... are the people that I am "friends" with online people I actually do LIFE with? should they be?
I came to the conclusion earlier this week that the answer for some is no
and that's ok
I am the driver of my life and only I can control what I allow and not allow
here are some of the thoughts in no particular order that are constantly swirling :
I have been told this week that since I am white I am automatically privileged ... I am not sure what they define as privileged but I am assuming they mean that I have never been judged by the colour of my skin .. which I am pretty sure that statement is exactly a judgement to me because of the colour of my skin ... I cannot control what colour my skin is anymore than any other person can ... have I ever been judged by the colour of my skin prior to this week? not that I am aware of no and for that I am thankful and feel so sad (word doesn't do it justice) for those that do/have ..
so who am I? I was born in the Lower Mainland of Beautiful British Columbia .. so thankful!!! what an amazing beautiful DIVERSE place to grow up .. my parents loved me .. always!!!! that has never been a question in my life and I am so thankful for that. My parents were not born in BC, but in 2 different Provinces in Canada... their parents were also born in the same Provinces they were ... I can trace back my direct grandparents in Canada for 3 and 4 generations .. so totally blessed and thankful .. before that my ancestors crossed the Atlantic Ocean looking for a better place ... some from Norway and Sweden immigrating to North Dakota where my 4th removed Grandfather was the only sibling in his family, to immigrate to the Canadas, as it was known back then ... some from England being banished to the Canadas for being pregnant by a Royal (she was a lady in waiting to the Royal Family) ....some were from Germany and to this day no one knows if they were Nazi's or not. For awhile I was embarrassed to say I had German in my background as I was afraid of being judged for being a Nazi descendant .. truth is I could be and we just don't know ... some were from the Ukraine from a Jewish village who's history is untraceable on Ancestery.com and we all know the probable cause of that! .... and this is the background I come from .. a people in their time fighting horrors we read about in books, the lucky ones to survive crossing the Atlantic and a people who changed their names and hid their Jewish roots ... survivors for sure .. but then if you are alive today and reading this then you too are a descendant from a survivor!
I don't remember ever being taught to hate .. fear yes .. my parents were extreme Christians back in the day and we were taught to fear many many many things ... and yet I was not a fearful child ... I was loved fed clothed and sheltered and yes benefited from the struggles that my ancestors fought through so many generations ago ... I guess you could say I am privileged thanks to them. I have had to overcome a lot of the fears that we were taught and my parents also came to realize they had been living in fear and learned about God's GRACE and so are different people today then they were back then... isn't that our obligation as responsible adults? to overcome our challenges and find ways to rise above them?
When I was a girl all I could think of was being a missionary to Africa ... and to the horror of my mother who will tell you there was NO stopping me I went to YWAM when I was just 17 years old for 6 months. (the horror part was I was only 17 years old and her baby girl and allowing me to go so far away - keep in mind people this was before Facebook and smartphones!!)
I could do 1,000 blogs of my time there ... it was amazing, it was extremely educational and I cherish the memories every single day ... one day I hope I can go back!
I never once was treated better because I was white when I was there ... however I did feel, at the wise age of 17 :), that as a woman/girl I was treated less than ... the boys had the better accommodations and better bathrooms while us girls, it felt, got the left overs and the squat toilet and bucket shower ... I felt in town not privileged because I was white but weary as I was a girl ... in the matatu's us girls were made to stand up so the men could sit ... us girls would get cheated buying from the street venders but not the guys ... there was a definite divide in the sexes that I had never experienced before nor quite to that degree since. It was a little shocking to my 17 year old self to be sure.
I also experienced a love that was overwhelming .. the people that we met and worked with were HAPPY and sang and loved and shared even though they had by any 1st world countries standards, nothing, nothing at all.. they taught me sooo much about love and giving and being content with what you have. I think every Western teenager should be sent to places where people are happy and loving and giving with so little ... it was the biggest lesson I learned there! They would welcome us into their village, feed us a giant feast, give us presents and they had ripped clothing, some no shoes and lived in shacks.... they had a love that you just don't see here very often, hearts to be envied and charity worth striving for.
I fell in love with the people there.
why do I share all this? what is the point? maybe to defend myself, maybe to explain where I come from and the ugliness I see today and have felt this past week it's just so unfounded to me
It's hard to understand that in North America in both Canada and the USA that we have places where people are living so far below poverty (still nothing compared to what I saw with my own eyes in Kenya) and have so little... and it's hard for me to understand that in North America and in both Canada and the USA that there are so many people filled with so much hate ... hate if you don't think like them or vote how they do or spew their rhetoric online .... hate for you for the privilege of the colour of your skin and hate for others for the sexual orientation or the colour of their skin or their spiritual beliefs... it just keeps going on and on and on .. .so much hate
I was basically told that I cannot understand the anger of all this due to the colour of my skin which makes me question, why are you angry at me for not getting it if I CAN'T even get it? seriously?! if I am so ignorant because of my white privilege why the anger at me for being ignorant?.. I obviously cannot help it!!
I cannot change the colour of my skin. I cannot change where I was born or the parents/background I was born too.
I can change how I use my voice, and I think using ones voice is so important, I just believe that when it is delivered with grace, respect and kindness it goes a lot further.
I can change how I live my life and how I give to others, how I love others, how I show my response and attitude to my children who I believe are my #1 priority and the people I am most responsible for.
I can be the change I want to see ... that is my choice
I do believe it's time to put the megaphone of hate down ... whether it's screaming at people on line for voting the way they did, or participating in violent demonstrations... like how is breaking business windows saying anything?! or how is that productive or getting your point across?. I saw an interview the other day with these young people in Seattle who were saying they didn't know how to express their anger over the election results .. so they lit garbage on fire in the streets .... really???!!! I don't get that?! but again maybe it's due to like I said before, I am white privilege, so I can't get it?! (that was sarcasm just FYI)
So where do I go from here? how do I get over this and lick my "wounds", "ego" at having what I consider judgement thrown my way?
This is what I am formulating ... I think we all have gifts and I believe some have the gift of advocacy and that is awesome, this doesn't mean no one else cares for important issues, it's just that some are extremely passionate about it and again I think that's awesome. My dad had an amazing gift of Faith ... it was an amazing gift. My mom has an incredible gift of managing finances, some may not realize this is a gift but she really is amazing at it. My sister Tam has an incredible gift of compassion for children with severe special needs, she loves the kids in her class with 150% of her being. My sister Kim has the gift of giving, even when she has had little she would give you the shirt off her back. My sister Shash has the gift of teaching, she is an amazing preacher but she also constantly drops gifts of wisdom and sows into so many peoples lives on a daily basis. My friend dini has the gift of friendship... honestly she has more great close friends then I ever knew one could juggle! My friend Patti has the gift of creativity and wisdom, she creates amazing things with her hands and her eyes pick up on the smallest of details in her creations and in peoples lives and has amazing insights .... I could go on and on ... I am surrounded with people with amazing gifts.. I am blessed. I love that the people around me help to complete and compliment me and help me to see things I wouldn't naturally see or know on my own .. and I think the reason they are able to do that in my life is that I have recognized the need for those gifts in my life and also because they don't hammer it down my throat for me to be JUST LIKE THEM ... they love me unconditionally and encourage me, they don't shame me or berate me for my opinions even if/when they differ from theirs ...
and I can't help but wonder ... wouldn't this world have more love grace and kindness if everyone just loved more, judged less and acted out the change they wanted to see?
This was my very first GIRL's trip
It definitely won't be my last!!
This has been a poopy year ... and a great year ... I think life is like that .. death and life .. new beginnings... seasons change .... my Disney dream life popped a LONG LONG time ago!
life is like a box of Chocolate .. you'll never know what your going to get (Quote from Forest Gump)
so so true
This holiday was filled with sun, laughter, more sun and more laughter .. and a few drinks and food :)
I am blessed with friends who are so totally there for me... love me unconditionally ... listen, share and love
oh how I love to laugh!
The weather was amazing ... our condo was beautiful and it was the right combination of lazy pool days and sight seeing tourist
I felt the sun kiss my soul .. and as I look to the future, a future different then I had planned or imagined I feel sadness at the fact my dad is not here to witness it with me, and I feel excitement (and a whole lot of tired and maybe a tad bit of anxiety, ok maybe more then a tad bit ha ha ) at where life is taking me next!
The land of the living is not for the faint of heart
take time for you
allow yourself to feel all your feels
share your heart with safe people
be real and transparent
be kind to yourself
and if you can ... and honestly I don't think I could afford NOT to have taken this trip .. take a break with some really fun like minded friends ... you'll be glad you did!!!!
did you know my dad was an artist? he was!!!
my dad was a design consultant by trade & highly acclaimed in his profession back in the day!
everywhere we went as kids my dad talked to us about design ,, my sister Shash and I would eagerly report to our dad what the ladies washroom was like in every, and I mean EVERY, establishment we went too... we were taught at a young age to gauge colour ... to understand balance ... and even though we grew up and loved colour and lots of of it on our walls he taught us walls should be white .. so the art can shine
he was amazing
his light was brilliant
he was the best dad I could ever imagine having
when he got sick my whole world flipped upside down ..even now .. 7 months after he left us it doesn't make sense, doesn't quite feel real, doesn't seem possible even .. that he could get sick and leave us all
I would have sworn he was going to out live us all!
Last summer when he was sick and we were there sitting with him .... soaking up as much up of his presence that I could .. I wanted every line in his face to be imprinted in my mind .. and honestly I don't have to try to so hard cuz I kind of look like him :) ... and my lines were his lines .. and that is ok with me!
anyways as I was saying .. sitting with dad .. talking and sharing .. my sister Shash asked me if I could paint something she had seen .. she showed me the picture and dad said use my canvases and paints ... he painted with oils .. one day I will do an oil painting .. I have all of his old oil paints .. they are probably cement by now but I have them they were his and now they are mine and I treasure them! so I brought over my acrylics that I had ... and used his canvas .. not knowing if I could for sure capture what my sister had seen ... we needed encouragement .. we needed to hold on to hope and when you are faced with a death sentence you CLING to hope!! and so I swallowed my fears and inhibitions and I tried .. without expecting much ... and I did it .. I did my own version of what my sister had seen and shown me
and I was kind of shocked
|first painting in years acrylic on canvas|
I had taken art in high school .. I had fooled around with my dad's oil paints as a kid .. and always got in trouble for not cleaning his brushes properly and screwing the lids back on tight enough :) ... I knew I could sort of draw ... I could kind of copy things ... and I knew I could sew and crochet and a few times I painted little things for the girls and they were cute but that's about as far as it ever went .. maybe things would have been different for a thousand different reasons that have no reason to go in to at this point in my life .. but they weren't and I didn't try ... didn't know I could paint .. not really .. not like I am painting now
and then when I saw the painting (above) .. I was like wow .. I did that .. I think I could do more .. and so with my dad encouraging me I began to paint .. I had taken a course the spring before and loved it ... I had taken some other lessons of sorts from a friend and loved it ... but still never really thought of myself as a painter ... as an artist .. not an artist like my dad ..
and the atmosphere in my parents house .. one where we were trying so hard to cling to hope... to find a cure even though we were told there was none ... trying, for me anyways, to believe he would beat it .. cuz my dad of all people could beat it .. trying to allow myself to be carried by others people faith .. cuz when I looked at my dad and saw his wasting away and my faith was wavering I knew I needed others to hold my hands up and to lift me up .. at times I am not going to lie other peoples positive attitudes were hard to take cuz at some point, not sure when, but at some point I knew he was dying and no prayer, not even the best most faith filled prayer or the right scripture being prayed over and over and over was going to save my dad ... so I painted .. and he criticized me . and I loved it .. I just wanted to absorb all he had to say
the picture above was my dad's favourite that he got to see .. he said to me "Lise, this is good, it's very very good" and I knew that's the best praise you would/could get from my dad .. and I knew I could do this .. it was something that connected me to him ... something that I could do that he could see with his artist eyes and something that could make him proud .. my first marriage did NOT make him proud .. my 2nd and LAST :) does .. and this this ability to paint .. something he could do as well connected me with my father who was about to depart from this world
I was dying inside and yet trying so hard to keep finding that connection
loosing a parent
watching them die
knowing they are dying and feeling like your the only one who knows... it sucks!! and it was hard and I am carrying all the feelings that goes along with that still and so I paint .. I paint like mad as I have found something in my mid-life that shuts down the noise, the thoughts, the busyness that lives constantly in my brain ... and I sit and I paint now with my dad gone but when I paint .. he's here ... he's looking over my shoulder... a little more light here Lise ... a little less here Lise ... that's good La .. that's mmmm ok La ... not sure what you are trying to do here La .... so proud of you La ... and I feel him and I hear him and the crazy world around me goes quiet for awhile
and it's just me ... and my dad
|Harvest Pumpkin (acrylic on high gloss paper)|
|wood painting with acrylic ... cuz it's never too early to start some Christmas crafts :)|
|Dragonfly at dusk|
my signature paintings .. at least I think they are ... dragonflies symbolize change and beauty and strength ... I love painting them they bring me joy and I love painting abstract mostly cuz it was my dad's favourite!!!
I am not even sure how I am going to be able to type this through my tears rolling down my cheeks
how do you say goodbye to your dad
your business partner of sorts
the grandfather to your children
the husband/partner to your mother
the man who has been the most constant in your life
I am not sure you can!
work feels so different with him gone .... like a light has permanently gone out in the restaurant
sometimes, a lot of the times, it's really hard to do work life without him. he was Mr Mayor after all!
there is such a giant hole
Christmas he tried to rally ... he was out shopping totally exhausted, a walking skeleton by this time, buying us all presents, checking his list over and over, he bought us all blankets and prayed over them and attached scripture verses to them .. ok the tears are really hard to see through!! .... he loved us all so very much .. what a gift he was! his life was lived to give ... honestly I don't know anyone who gave us much as my dad. Christmas Day dad was not feeling well... he could hardly hold his head up... what he wasn't telling anyone was just how bad the pain was. He would never admit it. The thought of how much pain he was in breaks my heart. He was grumpy that day.. he would be grumpy then apologize .. repeat! I kept looking around at my family seeing if anyone knew what I knew.. that this was his last Christmas with us .. but no one said a word... it's something we just couldn't talk about.
After Christmas he really started declining .. his energy low, his thin body even thinner ... he could barely keep a few swallows of food down ... I visited him every single day .. sometimes only for a few minutes as the noise from Brahm drove him a little crazy as every sense in his body was in agony. I knew it was a matter of time... hoping against hope I was wrong... knowing I wasn't. My prayer life consisted of one word for the most part ... "PLEASE" ....
He would try to rally .. want to go out for Nando's Chicken.. which he couldn't keep down .. he missed food... he obsessed about food and what he could eat and keep down .. he mostly slept ... listened to Christian music and teachings... smiled weakly at me, told me he loved me, that he was so happy to see me happy in love and marriage.. told me he had worked through any unforgiveness that he may have in his heart towards anyone.. told me that the last person he had to work through forgiving was my ex (this still breaks my heart that my dad was so hurt and affected by the man I chose to marry all those years ago .. still makes me sad that everyone was affected) ... I cried he cried ... he would lightly touch my hand .. he couldn't stand to be touched by this time .. too much pain! ... he was so thankful for me coming over and making him his food.. jello with fruit was his favourite, reminds me of his mom as she always made that for us, for him, when we would go to her house .. love knowing that they are together again but deeply broken by it at the same time of fresh grief.
By the beginning of February I knew it was going to be soon .. I didn't know how soon but I knew it was weeks...no more months ... but a handful of weeks.... maybe
That is the time we got the call to go to Montreal for our immigration ... I was so scared of having to go and not being there when he died ... thankfully that wasn't the case, I am not sure I would have done that so well.
My life was moving full steam ahead .. my oldest daughter made me a grandma... my family was finally going to be immigrating to the US and moving .. and soon ... so many changes were about to happen and were happening and my dad's life was coming to an end here on earth.
The day he died is etched in my brain .. I am sure I play that tape a few times every day still.. mom called me to go sit with him as the physical therapist didn't want to be at the house alone with him .... so I left work ( I had just started back at work after a year of maternity leave.. over half of that was me at my parents helping to take care of dad) ... to keep his dignity I am not going to type out the details ... I just knew .. the therapist knew... the WCB case nurse knew .... I started calling my sisters ... it was time to come home NOW ... the therapist told me we needed an intervention, I told him he wanted to be home and to not be dying and not talk about it .. finally the pain climaxed and dad had had enough and agreed to me calling an ambulance... they finally came .. that felt like forever ... I called mom ... I called my sisters.. I called my husband ... I still thought a few days...we have a few days, he will go to hospice now, they will make him comfortable, we can gather, say goodbye..gulp how do you do that?.. and that's that ... they finally put him in a room ... a woman came flying into the ER and 5 minutes later delivered her baby right there in the ER .. a new born baby crying just feet where my dad lay breathing his last breaths ... the irony did not escape my sister Tam and I ... they gave dad some drugs, he had been crying for morphine, he started to relax ... I felt done, spent, the last several hours threatening to crumble me there in a pile on the nasty ER floor ... dad lay there on his side.. his bony no fat whatsoever left on his body side... looked at me with those amazing baby blue eyes and I knew the pain was at least at bay ... I said I love you dad.. I will be back after supper.. he said ok La I love you ..... I didn't go back after supper .. I was exhausted and was telling myself I had all day the next day to sit with him... to soak up as much of his presence as I possibly could.
I lay in bed and tossed and turned .... all I could think of was funeral plans and who we needed to contact and all the details.. the planner in me was wide wide awake and battling thoughts that I was full of unbelief and a massive lack of faith ... my sister in Ontario texted me at 1:30 am .. simply "are you awake" .. I quickly replied yes I can't sleep .. she said "mom texted me dad's stats have changed I think you need to go"... I got up and got dressed and went in ... the ER nurse told me what was happening .. the Dr signed a do not resuscitate order as his body couldn't take the CPR ... his stats were lowering ... this was really happening .. she said she tried to tell my mom but she thought my mom was in denial ... I don't blame her, the love of her life was about to leave this world I am not sure I wouldn't be the same .... I went in and saw she was right .. she called my dad's name and he responded with a HUH kind of noise ... and then he didn't respond anymore ... this was really happening .. I called my mom .. "mom, dad is dying you need to come" .. I called my niece to wake up my sister as she wasn't answering her phone... "papa's dying you need to tell your mom to come" .. I tried my sister in the Kootney's for hours to no avail ... I facetimed my sister in Ontario... she gathered her family there ... mom came.. crying .. it's too soon, it's too soon ... my sister Tam arrived ... we 3 stood there and my sister Shash watched from the phone... we cried... we told him we loved him ... my mom stroked his face and kissed him .... I held his hand.. his big giant hand ... told him it was ok.. we would be ok.. we would watch mom ... we would see him again .. it was ok to go now..
at 4:20am Tuesday Feb 16, 2016 my dad, Dwayne, took his last breath ... what he saw next I can hardly even imagine as he was welcomed into his Heavenly home ... he would see Jesus first I am sure .. his mom his dad his stepdad his brother his sister who he never met .. uncles aunts grandparents.. and my babies .. all my babies that died before they could take a breath .. he is with them all ....
and I miss him so very much
My world here will never be the same
but I am glad I at least know where he is
I will see you again dad!
|Dad with Dr Jackson and my Grandson Alistair Jan 14, 2016|
(playing around with my post trying to get this painting to not only appear in the banner part!!)
one of my latest paintings
I took a wee break from blogging here!
For the most part I update my Facebook page way more often
you can follow me here ... https://www.facebook.com/Insight2LaLa/
Life takes twists and turns and the only constant is change!
My dad died Feb 16 2016 ... that sucks .. I am not over it, I have not come to terms with it and I am not sure I even want too!
I went back to work 2 weeks before that ... after being by his side every day for the 8 months he bravely fought the F'n cancer ... then we followed through with the expansion of the business my dad had started when he was fighting for his life .. cuz you know a workaholic doesn't stop work even when they have been given a death sentence!!!
I sold my townhouse, the place that I lived in as a single mom again after 15 years of a not-great marriage ... I found myself again in that home. I found my strength again in that home. It was a great place for me and the 4 girls.
I found love again in that home ... married and moved my miracle man in with me and the girls .... we had a baby .. at 40 .. HELLO 40!!! yup cuz I am crazy like that!!
We moved in with my mom for a couple of months while we waited for our green cards to come through .. a few trips to Montreal .. that's a long story .... and then we found a house.. a home .. my dream home on an acre ... and everything that was seemingly taking forever and I questioned WHY we were even doing this process fell into place
and we did the BIG move south of the border ... sort of I still work with my mom .. and that is weird .. not the working with my mom part but the working without my dad there ... Mr Mayor himself ... it's weird and I feel his absence there every single day
my baby is walking and full on toddler now ... time flies! he bring us all so much joy .. he is a combo of the 2 of us but he really resembles my baby pictures .. and he makes this certain face (juts out his bottom jaw) and it's SOOOO my dad and since I look like my dad my son looks like me so my son looks like my dad .. and I am so thankful for that
and now I find myself adjusting again and my girls adjusting again and I am constantly reminded how change is constant and it's what you do with what life throws at you that is so important!
We love our new home .. the 2 middle girls started their new school today (grade 11 and grade 9).. my oldest daughter at home is staying at her old school as she finishes grade 12 .. SHE GRADUATES THIS YEAR SAY WHAT?!
oh and in case you didn't know I am a grandma as well ... see it's been so long since I've blogged here I don't even remember where I left off .. I maybe should have checked that first .. but then that would have been me being organized and yah we all know that is NOT ME!
and that leaves me somewhere in a land of individuality lol ... I am a grandma, I have a married daughter, my 2nd child is graduating high school this year, I have 2 more girls in high school, and I have a 1 1/2 year old living in a new country (even though we live 15 min from the border it's still a whole other country you know!!) and I am still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up!!
So that's what I have been up too!!!
I am planning on starting to blog more .. that's my goal at any rate .. it has been for awhile but you know life priorities the constant change thing I have mentioned a few times .. it gets in the way sometimes! I would like to blog about blended families and the realities of step-parenting without blogging about my children individually! .. one of my daughters has asked that I not blog about her specifically and so I shall honour that and keep this about me .. about my journey and my life and I hope you enjoy tagging along!!